


avatar groupchat

by gayprophets



Series: elias gets bullied [2]
Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: (Kicks peter lukas in the metaphorical nuts), Chatting & Messaging, Fluff, Friendship, GRATUITOUS elias bullying, Humor, Trans Female Character, Trans Male Character, all the avatars but if they had a groupchat, author is american, canonical character death being completely ignored, martin has a fat ass i dont take constructive criticism, martin is fat i do make the rules, rated mature for one chap where a fear entity hits on a dude for his ass, simon fairchild is so unfortunately horny :(, technically this does qualify as a fix-it!, yes i AM posting a chatfic like its 2014
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-29
Updated: 2020-07-06
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:28:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 22,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21599185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gayprophets/pseuds/gayprophets
Summary: 10:12 PMJared Boneturner:the arm bone was a femuur :) i looked it upElias:Humerus.Jared Boneturner:yeah it was pretty funny :)-i just want the avatars to have 1) a groupchat 2) twitters. and i dont have any photoshop skills but i CAN write a chatfic like its 2014 again.
Relationships: As of chapter 11!, Martin Blackwood/Jonathan Sims
Series: elias gets bullied [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1557937
Comments: 1411
Kudos: 3187





	1. all about jared!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ik they dont all stan jared hopworth but fuck its so funny if they do. theyre all so manipulative and intellectual and meticulous planning to start an apocalypse and jared just steals peoples femurs so they all have to be like Good Job Jared! We’re So Proud Of You!

**8:41 PM**

**Jared Boneturner:** stole a rich dudes arm bone today after he wouldnt gove meoney to a honeless guy

**Nikola:** YAY JARED!))))

**🕸:** fuckkkk socialist king!!! we stan!!

**Oliver:** proud of you jared.

**Elias:** Which bone?

**Jared Boneturner:** arm

**Elias:** Yes. Which arm bone.

**Jared Boneturner:** big one at the top

**Elias:** They have names.

**Oliver:** no they don’t elias.

**Nikola:** They Are All Just Bones!

**🕸:** shut up elias

**🕸:** whore.

**10:12 PM**

**Jared Boneturner:** the arm bone was a femuur :) i looked it up

**Elias:** Humerus.

**Jared Boneturner:** yeah it was pretty funny :)

**1:09 AM**

**Jared Boneturner:** zxx

**Jared Boneturner:** c

**Jared Boneturner:** zc

**Jared Boneturner:** anyone want to see my bone haul for the day question mart

**Jared Boneturner:** good bones but bad speech to text these buttons are very small!

**🕸:** ill get you a phone with a bigger screen jared dw. i Do want to see the bones though

**Jude:** Fuck yeah mate show us the bones

**Jared Boneturner:** zzx

**Jared Bonetuenrer:** [IMG_1] lot of spine bones 

**Elias:** Vertebrae. 

**Jared Boneturner:** you know I don’t speak latin frowny face

**Oliver:** elias, kindly only use a language that all participants in the chat can understand. thank you.

**Jude:** Yeah elias you fucking 贱女人

**Elias:** Jesus Christ.

**Nikola:** “Kindly” You Are All So Hideously British!((

**🕸:** jared theres a guy whos gonna walk by you in like… 2 mins! very big samsung and hopefully good bones for you. can i have the meat suit after youre done with it in exchange

**Jared Boneturner:** thank you Anna bell! you can have his meat I don’t want to owe all capitals you no more capitals a favour

**Peter Lukas:** “Meat suit” u guys r all FREAKS

**🕸:** AAAYYYYYYYYY!!!! 

**🕸:** THERE HE IS!!!!!

**Nikola:** THE MAN OF THE HOUR!

**Jude:** BOUGIE BITCH BOY! HOW ARE YOU OLD CHAP!!!

**🕸:** time for your annual text i take it?

**Oliver:** read any good news articles lately?

**🕸:** no dont put your phone down!!! tell me you love me.

**Peter Lukas:** I love you

**Peter Lukas:** Eat shit annabelle. It’s been years will u all drop it

**Jared Boneturner:** oh Lucas is here. hello idiot

**Jared Boneturner:** thank you for this good phone Anna bell. give me an hour and you can have the meat smiley face

**🕸:** thx luv xoxoxoxoxox

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you can find me at themlet on tumblr to req text exchanges or whatever kdhfhkjsd comments and kudos are appreciated. happy american thanksgiving. if you can't see annabelle's emoji its a spiderweb and i THINK (correct me if i am wrong) jude called elias a bitch


	2. To: peterlukas@gmail.com Subject: Your Ritual

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **From:** [j.boneturner00@hotmail.net](mailto:j.boneturner00@hotmail.net)
> 
> **Subject:**  
>  [This field has been intentionally left blank.]
> 
> jesus christ

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this ones just bullying peter for his stupid ritual

**From:** ţ̶̢̓̓̿ͩ̓̍ͬ͗̏͛̓ͮ̓̈́͒̓ͨ̇͝h̴̢ͮ͗̎́̄ͦͯͯͭ̅̎̓͂ȩ̢̛̉̑͋́͑̈́̃̓ͨd̷̐̽ͬ͂ͮ̽̔͊̊̾̄̇̔̚͘i̵͆ͭ̒̾̾͐͒ͯ͑̅̐̓̋̚͘͟͟s͌͛̉̌ͩͯ̌̑ͬ̾̐̈́̍̆͌̄͋͞҉̡͜͠t̢̧̿̄ͤ̊͒͛ͤ̏̄̃͆̇ͤ̍͊̔̂̕ȍ̸̴̧ͩͯ͐ͥ͋̈̊̃ͥ̒ͨ͋̐ͪ̔̉̚͝r̨̔ͨ͆͗ͮͮ̂̿ͧͧ̇ͭͩ͆ͧ̓ͩ͏tͧͧͦͮ͛͐̏ͥ̍̄̑̎ͫ̋̔̋̚̚͏̸͡͞i̧̎́͐͐̃͆͂ͣ͊̔ͣ̑ͯ͛̾͛ͬ̂͘͡ǫ̷̶̍̿͊ͨ̐͌n̡̢̑̾ͭͥ͆̿ͮ̚̚͢͡@ͫͨ̒͑͜ẻ̢̨̉ͣ̍̀̒̀̿ͩ̂̽̂͋̉̓́̋̚͡s̴̶̛̿ͭ̋̽ͥ͜m̶̂̊ͩ̓͗̏̍̐́ę̢ͥ̊ͣ̅̅͟͜n̡̡ͬ̃͐̄̀̍̆͗̾̑̍͑̿̊͌ͧ̄͟t͒̃̇̂ͭ́ͨ͆̏̾ͤ́͐́ͩͯ̉ͪ̚͏҉̧̛͘.̸̡ͭ́͒ͨ͋͒͑͒͌̆̑͗̅ͪ̚͟͝i̵̧̐̄͋ͯr̨ͮͩͤ̍̄̾ͬͯͫ̌̐̀̂͒͋̌̎҉͜ǎ͂ͣ̆̌͘͏̨͏҉s̏̄̽̑̅ͯ̎́̀ͭ͜

**Subject:** the silencing 

ʇoᴉpᴉ ǝɯᴉʇ ʇxǝu ʞɔnl ɹǝʇʇǝq sʞuɐɥʇ uɐᴉpǝɯoɔ ɐ ǝɯoɔǝq ʇsnɾ puɐ ƃuᴉɹɐʇɐʌɐ uo dn ǝʌᴉƃ plnoɥs noʎ ɟlǝsɹnoʎ ɹoɟ pɐq ooʇ lǝǝɟ ʇuop os ɥƃnɐl ɐ ɹoɟ pooƃ sɐʍ ƃuᴉɥʇ ǝloɥʍ sᴉɥʇ ʇsɐǝl ʇɐ ƃuᴉɥʇʎuɐ ɟᴉ puɐ ǝslǝ llɐ ǝʌoqɐ snoᴉɹoʇɔᴉʌ ǝq llᴉʍ ǝʍ ƃuᴉɹǝɟɟns sᴉɥʇ puǝ puɐ ǝɯoɔ llᴉʍ ƃuᴉʇsᴉʍʇ ʇɐǝɹƃ ǝɥʇ sʎɐʍʎuɐ plɹoʍ ǝlqᴉɹɹǝʇ ɐ ǝq plnoʍ plɹoʍ ʎlǝuol ɐ pǝʞɔoɥs ʇou ʎlʇsǝuoɥ ʇnq ʇᴉ ɹɐǝɥ oʇ ʎɹɹos sɐʞnl ɟlǝsʇᴉ ʎq ǝɯɐu ǝlqᴉɹɹǝʇ ʇɐɥʇ ʇsnɾ ʇɐ ʞɹoʍ oʇ ƃuᴉoƃ ʇusɐʍ ʇᴉ uʍouʞ ǝʌɐɥ plnoɥs

**From:** jperry@gmail.com 

**Subject:** NICE FUCKING GOING IDIOT

HEY FUCKHEAD GREAT FUCKIN WORK FUCKIN ABSOLUTELY CHOICE MATE GOOD FUCKING JOB WITH THAT ONE EH? REALLY COCKED THAT ONE UP DIDNT YOU. TRIPPED ON YOUR OWN RACIST DICK. STUPID SON OF A BITCH IDIOT

**From:** nikola@nikola.nikola 

**Subject:** Очень разочаровывающее выступление, Лукас!

I Can’t Even Call You A Clown! You Are A Disgrace To Clownery!

**From:** elias.bouchard@mag.edu

**Subject:** I’m getting that article framed

Do it again. Encore. I’m giving Gertrude a raise.

Elias Bouchard 

Head of the Magnus Institute

_ This message is intended for the sole use of the addressee, and may contain information that is privileged, confidential and exempt from disclosure under applicable law. If you are not the addressee please do not use, copy, disclose, or distribute to anyone the message or any information contained in the message. If you have received this message in error, please immediately advise the sender by reply email and delete this message. Thank you for your assistance. _

**From:** sfairchilds@gmail.com

**Subject:** funniest shit ive ever seen lukas

Better luck next time!

**From:** maxraynor@peopleschurch.net

**Subject:** Your ritual 

Wow! A newspaper! That’s all it took! You were never destined to be the bringer of the apocalypse and quite honestly I have drug myself out of my blessed darkness just to tell you that I have not laughed so hard in a very long time. Thank you for that.

**From:** agnes@gmail.com

**Subject:** Your ritual.

I know that the Lonely is all about misery and isolation, but I would like to politely request that you try to be less of a miserable fuck of a person next time, okay Peter? And please run your plan through with one of us before you set it in motion, because you are making the rest of us look bad, and I simply cannot handle the secondhand embarrassment.

Thanks in advance,

Agnes

**From:** j.boneturner00@hotmail.net

**Subject:** [This field has been intentionally left blank.]

jesus christ

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the distortions email, if you can't read that because you're a human being who doesnt read upside down text, says:  
> "should have known it wasnt going to work at just that terrible name by itself lukas sorry to hear it but honestly not shocked a lonely world would be a terrible world anyways the great twisting will come and end this suffering we will be victorious above all else and if anything at least this whole thing was good for a laugh so dont feel too bad for yourself you should give up on avataring and just become a comedian thanks better luck next time idiot"  
> nikola's subject should read "disappointing performance, Lukas!"  
> oliver and anabelle wouldnt have been avatars yet :(
> 
> thanks for reading ilu. you can find me at themlet on tumblr.


	3. manyworms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> manyworms: [IMG_9] look! 🐛🐛🐛
> 
> 🕸: BABIES??
> 
> manyworms: i’m a great great great great great great great great GRANDMA!
> 
> manyworms: AGAIN!
> 
> Elias: Please for the love of everything get them off of my desk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for always being at the top of the tma tag i cant seem to stop writing this

**11:54 PM**

**manyworms:** [IMG_1]

 **manyworms:** [IMG_2]

 **manyworms:** [IMG_3]

 **Elias:** Jane. Not again.

 **🕸:** omg… jane theyre so cute jhsdkfs

 **manyworms:** [IMG_4]

 **Elias:** Jane stop.

 **Nikola:** Where Is That?

 **Elias:** My office.

 **manyworms:** [IMG_5]

 **Nikola:** LMFAOOOO!

 **Elias:** Jane get those things off my desk or so help me god I’ll throw our agreement out the window and head down there with a flamethrower.

 **manyworms:** they’re having fun! 🐛🐛🐛

 **manyworms:** im in your chair.

 **Elias:** I know. I can see you. Get out of it. 

**Oliver:** what? what’s happening?

 **Elias:** I am ALLOWING Jane to stay under my Institute and she’s been harassing me via sending me photos of herself wandering the halls at night. Usually it’s via private message.

 **manyworms:** but everyone needs to see how cute they’re all being tonight tbh… 

**Oliver:** you dug your own grave here elias, go lie in it.

 **Nikola:** Okay Buried Sympathizer! 

**🕸:** tag your buried mentions please

 **🕸:** buried tw buried tw

 **Oliver:** fine, made your own bed. it’s just a turn of phrase will everybody please relax.

 **Elias:** [IMG_6] [IMG_7] [IMG_8] 

**Elias:** These are from the past couple of days.

 **🕸:** oooh jane is that a new dress?? its cute!!! 

**Oliver:** looking good mama.

 **manyworms:** aw thanks guys! 😳

 **Elias:** Jane if you touch my pens I will be forced to use my stockpiled Raid and nobody wants that.

 **🕸:** hes unfortunately very serious about the raid

 **🕸:** one of his desk drawers is full of the stuff

 **🕸:** he uses it on me all the time. its quite rude

 **manyworms:** fine no pens ugh

 **manyworms:** [IMG_9] look! 🐛🐛🐛

 **🕸:** BABIES??

 **manyworms:** i’m a great great great great great great great great GRANDMA!

 **manyworms:** AGAIN!

 **Elias:** Please for the love of everything get them off of my desk.

 **Oliver:** do you have a problem with worms, elias?

 **Elias:** YES.

 **Oliver:** this is supposed to be a safe and welcoming space, elias. you can’t shame jane for something she can’t control, it’s unacceptable behavior. 

**manyworms:** :(

 **Nikola:** Sir Right Now Your Vibes Are Atrocious!

 **🕸:** ^^

 **Oliver:** apologize to jane.

 **Elias:** I fucking hate all of you.

 **Elias:** Jane I am going to throw up get that pen out of that hole.

 **🕸:** apologize to jane, elias.

 **Elias:** I’m sorry Jane.

 **Elias:** FUCK off Annabelle.

 **Elias:** JANE I will call the edc if you touch my scheducling i am beign very serious

 **🕸:** ooo typos from ELIAS shits boutta pop off nbvmdjsk

 **manyworms:** you work the artifact storage staff too hard :( i hear them complaining a lot...

 **🕸:** #unionizethemagnusinstitute

 **Elias:** If I promise to change the schedule around will you please get out of my office?

 **Elias:** Annabelle don’t even joke.

 **manyworms:** yes.

 **Oliver:** wow. okay, capitalist.

 **Elias:** Thank you. 

**Elias:** I have to burn that desk.

 **🕸:** dont be shocked ollie he has a sugardaddy we have to eat him

 **Oliver:** don’t call me ollie.

 **Elias:** We can’t all suck Lenin’s dick, Annabelle.

 **🕸:** no instead you suck lukas’. whore

 **Nikola:** LMFAOOOOOO!

 **🕸:** also oliver im sorry 3: i have to skip out on brunch tomorrow i got a thing

 **Oliver:** it’s okay. not like i’ll die without it.

 **Elias:** You guys get brunch?

 **🕸:** oh yes

 **Oliver:** every friday at 11.

 **🕸:** i would get brunch with nikola too but like she doesnt eat

 **Nikola:** So Instead We Get Murder Victims!))))

 **🕸:** friendship!

 **manyworms:** okay elias i am leaving your office now… leaving you a friend… 🐛

 **manyworms:** [IMG_10]

 **Elias:** Jane do not.

 **manyworms:** he’ll be waiting… treat him well… 🐛 

**Elias:** Jane get that thing out of my office.

 **Elias:** JANE.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i fucking (sprints down the highway at 90 mph snorting cocaine off my hand)(posts a new chapter every 12 hours)  
> find me on tumblr at themlet. i love all your comments i do try to reply to all of them you are so sweet


	4. Episode 69 - Thought for the Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Annabelle making the statement about her becoming an avatar episode 69: fuuuuuck this is gonna be so fucking choice

**3:24 PM - New Private Message**

**Elias:** BITCH

 **🕸:** LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I WAS WONDERING IF YOUD NOTICE

 **Elias:** FUCK YOU

 **🕸:** [VID_1]

 **Elias:** I can’t watch that right now I’m in a meeting.

 **🕸:** its me writing ‘whore’ on james wrights headstone in sharpie

 **Elias:** You are SUCH a bitch.

 **🕸:** at least im not a white mans whore :/

 **Elias:** I’ll kill you someday

 **🕸:** someones cranky theyre not recording 69

 **Elias:** I hate you. Why can’t I have this one thing?

 **🕸:** because i twitched jons little idiot hand over to mine instead. you dont deserve recording 69 youre not cool enough

 **Elias:** I picked out this nice statement special for Jon about the founding of the Institute. It was going to be my ONE juvenile moment.

 **🕸:** what? speak up i cant hear you from all the way down there

 **Elias:** Are short jokes really what you’re stooping to? Is that not beneath you?

 **🕸:** manlet literally everything about you is beneath me

 **Elias:** I’m going to kill you.

**Nikola has joined the chat!**

**🕸:** nikola come look at this

 **Nikola:** LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOO!

 **Elias:** Sure, call in your friends.

 **Elias:** I could do it and you know it.

 **🕸:** tell me you love me.

 **Elias:** I love you.

 **Elias:** FUCK

 **Nikola:** LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

 **🕸:** thats what i thought

**🕸 has named the chat: manlet eradication zone**

**Elias has left the chat!**

**🕸:** yeah you better run lmao

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for all the comments i love you guys they make my day <33


	5. the unknowing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Oliver:**   
>  ...death has a weakness for puppy-dog eyes.

**9:15 AM**

**Elias:** Nikola, give him back.

 **Nikola:** No! He’s Mine, Sorry!))

 **Nikola:** Can I Have Some Of That Lukas Cash Though? $$$

 **Elias:** Absolutely not.

 **Nikola:** But It’s For Him! His Skin Is So Dry! You Don’t Take Good Care Of Him!((

 **Nikola:** Whatever! It’s Fine! I’ll Just Rob Some People! It Would Just Be Funnier If It Was Lukas’ Money!

 **Oliver:** this is the only chat i’ve ever been in where people say “i’ll just rob some people” and nobody blinks. it’s great.

* * *

**6:02 AM**

**Nikola:** Elias Give The Archivist Back To Me!

 **Elias:** No. He’s mine, sorry. :)

 **Nikola:** Наверни дерьма и сдохни. Пассоссее маыее ыаитса

* * *

**3:13 PM**

**Nikola:** I Will See You All Again In Some Way, I Am Sure! You Have Been Good To Me And The Stranger Will Be Good To You! Except For You Elias. Get Fucked.

 **🕸:** bye nikola!!!! good luck!!!!!!!

 **Nikola:** Thank You Annabelle!))))))))

 **Nikola:** You Are My Favorite! I Wish You Luck In Our Coming New Age!)))))))

**Nikola has left the chat!**

**Oliver:** what was all that about?

 **🕸:** the unknowing??

 **🕸:** nikolas ritual??

 **Oliver:** how was i supposed to know?

 **🕸:** its literally all we’ve been talking about for months

 **Jude Perry:** Jesus please pay attention

 **Oliver:** i’m busy, okay?

 **Jude Perry:** The huge knot of death in where shes got her ritual set up didnt tip you off?

 **Oliver:** i don’t exactly go in and see what everyone’s died of.

 **Jared Boneturner:** 20 pounds she does it

 **Jude Perry:** Bet

 **Jude Perry:** Not like we’ll know wtf money is if she does so hell yeah i’ll take that 

**🕸:** oliver any hints?

 **Oliver:** no.

 **🕸:** ::::(

 **Oliver:** i’m not going to spoil it. jesus christ who do you think i am?

 **Jude Perry:** The only one of us who can predict the future in any way

 **Jared Boneturner:** xz

 **Jared Boneturner:** Can she not just make him tell us question mart

 **Oliver:** no one tells death what to do.

 **Oliver:** feel free to imagine me playing the saxophone after saying that.

 **Jude Perry:** God you’re a fucking dork

 **🕸:** i miss her already ::::(

 **🕸:** she was so cool

 **Oliver:** to be honest, she reminded me of those things from the first episode of doctor who, with eccleston?

 **🕸:** oh yeah! 

**🕸:** favorite doctor. go

 **Oliver:** nine, obviously. i like captain jack more, though.

 **🕸:** ok homo. ten is the best. 

**Jude Perry:** Is this really what we’re talking about right now? Are we all just fine with the Unknowing happening? Or is it going to fail & thats why oliver’s so chill

 **Jude Perry:** Also, you like the commie doctor? Werent you an econ major?

 **Oliver:** i’m reformed.

 **Oliver:** i had a breakdown so bad the End noticed me, jude.

 **Jude Perry:** ...fair

 **Jude Perry:** Still, though. This? Apocalypse is happening now.

 **🕸:** ill be fine im always fine

 **Oliver:** i’m really not fussed regardless of the outcome. i will get you all eventually, no matter what happens.

 **Jude Perry:** Okay creepy. Does anyone have eyes on whats going on in there

 **Jude:** Elias specifically. Whats going on

 **🕸:** elias text us.

 **Elias:** Annabelle dont DO that hold on one monent martin is burning statements

 **🕸:** omg martin… my boy!! im so proud

 **Oliver:** which one’s martin?

 **🕸:** the gay one

 **Oliver:** they’re all gay.

 **🕸:** the one who’s gay for the archivist.

 **Jude Perry:** You really don’t pay attention do you

 **Oliver:** not at all. annabelle makes everything out like a soap opera or reality tv, and i hate both.

 **Jude Perry:** Is that a death thing?

 **Oliver:** no. it’s just a me thing.

 **Oliver:** not everything i do is a death thing. please stop asking me if it’s a death thing, i promise i will tell you if something is, in fact, a death thing.

 **Elias:** It’s happening currently. Looks to be going as expected. Tonner killed one of the Breekon & Hope duo and is now in the Buried. Don’t bother me again.

 **🕸:** buried tw

 **Jude Perry:** Sucks for her

 **🕸:** the buried is the worst

**5:03 PM**

**Simon Fairchild:** Is it done yet? I’m tired of bracing for it

 **🕸:** simon! greetings

 **Oliver:** it’s done. sorry i didn’t text. i was cleaning up.

 **Jude Perry:** HAH! 20 POUNDS, JARED!

 **Jared Boneturner:** I don’t actually have 20 pounds frowny face

 **Jude Perry:** Jared mate you kill people just rob someone like the rest of us

 **Elias:** Oliver, did the Archivist survive? I can’t see.

 **Oliver:** what is with you guys today? i’m not spoiling.

 **🕸:** nikola isnt back

 **Jude Perry:** She could be embarrassed we did really rip into Lukas when he cocked his shit on up

 **🕸:** yeah but he deserved it. his ritual was just 40 people in solitary confinement. you can go to literally any prison in america and get that. we wouldnt be shitty to her

 **Jude Perry:** Well...

 **🕸:** you wont be mean to nikola.

 **Jude Perry:** I won’t 

**Jude Perry:** JESUS CHRIST annabelle I was JOKING dont DO THAT

 **🕸:** anyways we werent mean to the distortion when the great twisting crashed

 **Jude Perry:** Yeah but fucking G*rtrude crashed it

 **Jude Perry:** Can’t prep for that shit

 **🕸:** oliver ::::(

 **Elias:** EMS just pulled a wrecked mannequin out of the rubble and tossed it. Reporters just showed up.

 **🕸:** fuck

 **🕸:** ah well

 **Oliver:** sorry annabelle. nikola didn’t make it.

 **🕸:** ¯\\_¯\\_¯\\_¯\\_(ツ)_/¯_/¯_/¯_/¯

 **🕸:** besides. oliver can you add her back to the chat

 **Oliver:** no.

 **🕸:** you did it with jane

 **🕸:** please

 **🕸:** im not asking back to liiife just the chaaat its not that hard

 **Oliver:** no.

 **🕸:** ::::(

 **Oliver:** fuck.

**Nikola has joined the chat!**

**Nikola:** C4?!?!?

 **Nikola:** WHERE DID THEY GET C4?!

 **Elias:** Gertrude’s stash.

 **Nikola:** TERRIBLE!

 **Jude Perry:** I thought nobody could tell death what to do?

 **Oliver:** ...death has a weakness for puppy-dog eyes.

 **Oliver:** annabelle was spamming me with them in private.

 **🕸:** and i have so many more of them to hit him with!

 **🕸:** nikola im sorry i was rooting for you

 **Nikola:** Gertrude Manages To Fuck Me Even From Beyond The Grave!((

 **Simon Fairchild:** Actually I’m quite curious did any of us actually manage to fuck Gertrude?

 **🕸:** simon youre banned for being horny AGAIN

**Simon Fairchild has been kicked from the chat!**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry if nikola's cursing is bad or wrong. chabitch does not speak russian.  
> thank you all for you comments <3333 you are all great and i love you. hmu at themlet on tumblr if you feel so inclined


	6. yer mamas a gold digger, peter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> timelines arent real you are getting what you get from wherever in time it happened and if it doesnt make sense it doesnt matter. also jesus christ this many characters is so hard to keep fucking track of.

**1:57 PM**

**Oliver:** all, i’m desperately curious - why do you folks… do this, i suppose? become and continue to be an avatar?

 **🕸:** fun

 **Jude Perry:** Fun

 **Montauk:** Trevor did it to save people and I did it to link up with Trevor but nowadays its for fun

 **Jared Boneturner:** Fun

 **Elias:** Power.

 **Peter Lukas:** Tradition

 **Simon Fairchild:** The Vast is hypnotic. Nowadays it’s just for shits and giggles, really

 **Nikola:** Fun!

 **Oliver:** jesus christ.

 **Oliver:** you’re all insane.

 **Mike:** tbf i got struck by lightning and then the Spiral harassed me until i jumped off a building (with the help of a leitner)

 **Oliver:** mike you are less insane, and i appreciate you.

 **Oliver:** jane i know your whole thing no need to elaborate if you don’t want.

 **manyworms:** thanks I wasn’t going to

 **Mike:** why’d you do it oliver

 **Oliver:** to get some SLEEP 

**Oliver:** i had an olympic class BREAKDOWN and then couldn’t SLEEP i just wanted to SLEEP like a NORMAL PERSON

 **Nikola:** Boring!

 **Jude Perry:** Lame

 **Oliver:** annabelle was it really for fun? i thought you joined a parapsychology study and it got a little… out of hand, as it were.

 **🕸:** oh no oliver!! i was always a massive bitch!! 

**🕸:** absolute queen of bitchery and fraud! i was puppetting from birth!

 **🕸:** everything ive ever done was for funsies!

 **🕸:** literally dont think i ever wasnt manipulating people!

 **🕸:** i got through uni without ever paying a single cent for ANYTHING via sugar babying. such fun

 **🕸:** i still do it sometimes to see if i still got the chops without mother of puppets!

 **🕸:** in case you were wondering i do. obviously

 **Oliver:** i mean good for you

 **Jude Perry:** Damn of course you were a sugar baby

 **Jude Perry:** I love sugar babies they’re all wild. My girlfriend Gretchen was my sugar baby

 **Mike:** you were a sugar mama??

 **Jude Perry:** Briefly. Was super bad at it. Fell very much in love. Why are you surprised?

 **Mike:** idk

 **Mike:** you dont seem rich

 **Jude Perry:** Christ I didn’t always problem solve with with fire. Used to be copious amounts of cocaine and other people's money

 **Mike:** jesus ok

 **Elias:** Michael, are you not a sugar baby?

 **Mike:** what?? no??

 **Mike:** why do you say that??

 **Mike:** not that theres anything wrong with being a sugar baby i deeply respect your choices annabelle and also am *very* afraid of you i just am not a sugar baby

 **🕸:** i do not need your approval but thanks

 **Elias:** I just assumed

 **Elias:** What with you being goth and all. Goths are into all sorts of weird things.

 **Mike:** bloody hell i’m *not* a goth for the last time

 **Mike:** a dude wears leather pants and a black shirt one fucking time. you used to employ a goth or employed someone who employed a goth, however that worked. you know what goths look like for shits sake and its not me in leather pants.

 **Mike:** im trans i like to be sexy okay? is that good with you? sorry we arent all rocking single vented navy blue suits like a douchebag at yacht club. i cant do that i have chronic babyface id look like jailbait

 **Elias:** I take offense to that. I wouldn’t be caught dead in navy or anything with a single vent. What am I, a prole? 

**Oliver:** jesus christ. don’t make me get the guillotine. 

**Elias:** There’s also the thing with you having constant access to the Fairchild’s bank account and all.

 **Mike:** what?? NO

 **Nikola:** LMFAOOOOO!

 **Mike:** NO!!!!

 **Simon Fairchild:** He’s not. I mean, though, Mike, would you want to be?

 **Mike:** NO.

 **Simon Fairchild:** Are you sure?

 **🕸:** simon dont make me kick you again

 **Mike:** VERY. VERY SURE.

 **Simon Fairchild:** Speaking generally, so do not kick me out Annabelle, there’s nothing wrong with being a sugar baby or a gold digger. The Fairchild family and the Lukas’ were quite honestly founded by gold diggers, and we should be grateful to them!

 **🕸:** not for that we shouldnt be

 **Peter Lukas:** Don’t talk about my family like that.

 **Simon Fairchild:** Why not? It’s true

 **Simon Fairchild:** All the Lukas matriarchs were the most accomplished gold diggers I have ever met!

 **Peter Lukas:** My mother is NOT a gold digger!

 **🕸:** lmao lukas she absolutely is

 **Oliver:** lukas, what do you think a gold digger is?

**Elias has left the chat!**

**Elias has joined the chat!**

**🕸:** nah bitch lmao you stay

 **Peter Lukas:** Well

 **Simon Fairchild:** And the realization dawns!

 **🕸:** lukas, who else do you know thats a gold digger?

**Elias has left the chat!**

**Elias has joined the chat!**

**🕸:** i said stay, elias.

 **Mike:** im biting my nails 

**Peter Lukas:** Elias we are getting divorced

 **Elias:** You’re going to have to re-marry me if you want to do that. We’re divorced right now.

 **Nikola:** LMAOOOOOOO!

 **Jude Perry:** 哈哈哈哈哈哈

 **🕸:** ooo white boy fight oliver get the popcorn

 **t̶̢H̵̸̕͠͠e̶̢d͝҉Į͠͞s̨͟͠ţ̸̵͢͞O̡͜r̷͟t̶͟I̡̨͢͡O͘͢n̴̕:̡͏͞** who else was kind of hoping he’d say ‘a sexy Buried avatar’?

 **Jude Perry:** DAMN IT MICHAEL

 **🕸:** simon is literally in the chat!! IN THE CHAT!!

 **Simon Fairchild:** I need you all to remember that I am the horny and sexy avatar and MY entity is the ONLY sexy entity and the Buried is NEVER sexy! Everyone who says the Buried is “sexy” is a liar and a fraud there is absolutely nothing sexy about the Buried OR its powers! Who wants things to be “too close” to them!

 **🕸:** literally who says that. nobody says that. nobody says anything like that simon

 **Montauk:** Bondage freaks

 **Montauk:** Trevor says people into breathplay

 **Jude Perry:** JULIA

 **Elias:** Don’t encourage him.

 **Mike:** julia for the love of god please shut up he once ranted about this to me for 40 mins i had to strike myself with lightning to get him to stop

 **Montauk:** It’s called the Choke mate you cant tell me thats not sexy

 **manyworms:** please i cant hear this....

 **Simon Fairchild:** I CAN, it’s NOT!

 **Simon Fairchild:** You want to know the worst thing about the Buried?

**Simon Fairchild had been kicked from the chat!**

**Oliver:** i do not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i need everyone to know that i wrote a whole thing with Benoît Maçon, you know, the beetlefucker? with help from my friend nathan (lightclerics on tumblr, againstme on here, thanks for the translation man) i read the wiki and remembered that he was just fucked up and then died and wasnt actually an avatar, but it turns out it doesn't matter, i'm going to make you all read it anyways:  
> 
> 
> **Benoît Maçon:** Mon petit scarabé était très bonne au lit!
> 
> **Elias:** Oh Jesus.
> 
> **Oliver:** oh my god hes still here?! annabelle i thought you kicked him!
> 
> **Web:** i thought YOU kicked him!!
> 
> **Oliver:** OBVIOUSLY NOT
> 
> **Elias:** Will one of you PLEASE kick him!
> 
> **manyworms:** i need you all to know and remember that i am not associated with any of… that.
> 
> **Benoît Maçon has been kicked from the chat!**
> 
> **Elias:** Both of you are the worst for making me read that.
> 
> **Mike:** what’d he say
> 
> **Web:** you dont want to know
> 
> **Mike:** i do tho
> 
> **Web:** i mean. i can tell you
> 
> **Elias:** Private chat. Do not make me read that again.
> 
> **Web:** k
> 
> **Mike:** oh my GOD
> 
> **Web:** yeah 
> 
> **Mike:** DEEPLY TERRIBLE.


	7. on the death of jurgen leitner

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> huge thanks to my friend nathan for helping me with this chapter! find him at lightclerics on tumblr or againstme on here, he also writes really good tma fic!

**5:40 PM**

**Simon Fairchild:** So I’ve been thinking a lot on my, and our, semi-immortality as of late

**Mike:** just now?

**🕸:** never thought about it before in your 500 years?

**Simon Fairchild:** Not at all, and 507 years. It was my birthday last week

**Oliver:** i would wish you a happy belated birthday, but i have a creeping feeling that you are about to inflict something terrible upon us and i do not want to wish you a happy anything.

**Simon Fairchild:** How long do you all believe you are going to live? And how do you age?

**Oliver:** well.

**Simon Fairchild:** Or not die, whatever you wish to call it.

**Oliver:** well.

**Jude Perry:** I haven’t aged.

**Nikola:** I Am Plastic!)

**Mike:** not a clue but given your age simon i think ill be like this for a while

**🕸:** don’t ask a lady her age.

**Elias:** I can bodyhop indefinitely, but the bodies I am in age normally.

**Jared Boneturner:** I haven’t been paining attention

**Simon Fairchild:** You are all conditionally immortal.

**Oliver:** well. 

**Simon Fairchild:** Most of you are conditionally immortal!

**Simon Fairchild:** I cannot die, although I do age, slowly. And is there anything more romantic than growing old with your lover?

**Oliver:** what?

**Mike:** oh my god not this again.

**Simon Fairchild:** The Vast is by far the most romantic of the entities. 

**Nikola:** No Thank You!!(((

**Nikola has left the chat!**

**Simon Fairchild:** When I became an avatar it was because my painting of the sky - my muse, as it were - was simply too beautiful to resist.

**Jude Perry has left the chat!**

**Simon Fairchild:** It’s probably more accurate to say that the Vast courted me. Seduced me, if we were to be crude.

**Jared Boneturner has left the chat!**

**🕸:** oh we are well past crude do not even trip

**Mike:** please god anything other than this 

**Mike:** i know i'm a bad person but surely not even i deserve this hell

**Oliver:** i want to leave but it’s like a car crash, i can’t look away.

**Simon Fairchild:** The conclusion I have come to is that the Vast obviously loves me back, ergo it gives me life because it does not want me to die. Whereas with you, Elias, the Eye gets bored. There is only so much one can know about a single person and it gets bored of you, and as such you must find a new body for it to know. Alternatively it just wants you dead so it may learn about a new acolyte, and so makes it inconvenient for you to live so long.

**Oliver:** i honestly might throw up.

**Elias:** Simon, if you ever speculate about my “relationship” to my patron again, I will shoot you like a dog.

**Simon Fairchild:** The Fairchild “family”, as it were, due to none of us being related, is all of us united by our love for our patron, and its love for us!

**Mike:** which is why i will *never* be a fairchild

**🕸** **:** so basically what im hearing is that simon wants michael in his weird fear god polycule?

**Mike:** *please* don’t say polycule 

**Simon Fairchild:** I would like Michael to join the Fairchild family, yes. He has access to our collective bank account already, so he already mostly is. He just needs to make it official!

**Mike:** i want to die. i want to die. how is this my life.

**Oliver:** how does one officially become a fairchild, exactly?

**🕸:** orgy

**Mike:** annabelle i know you delight in cruelty but literally i don’t deserve *any* of this

**Mike:** simon if you answer oliver’s question there is 0 chance of me ever joining your weird cult so please just don’t inflict it upon me okay. just dont do it.

**Simon Fairchild:** Are you sure? It’s not that difficult!

**Mike:** i’ve never been more sure of anything in my entire life.

**Oliver:** can i tell the others it’s safe to come back, or are we not yet done verbally committing heinous acts?

**Mike:** if we’re not done i will die.

**Jude Perry has joined the chat!**

**Nikola has joined the chat!**

**Mike:** god i wish leitner was still around so that i could score a book on the Buried off of him and fucking convert im so done with the Vast dirt dirt dirt i love dirt hurray for dirt put me in the dirt i love the fucking ground

**🕸:** sorry lol elias killed him

**Simon Fairchild:** Michael, don’t joke about that.

**Elias:** HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?

**Elias:** THAT WASN’T EVEN A HALF HOUR AGO HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT ANNABELLE

**Nikola:** ты шутишь.

**Jude Perry:** JURGEN WAS STILL ALIVE?

**Simon Fairchild:** What???

**🕸:** the spider knows everything motherfucker 🕷 **͜ʖ** 🕷

**Jude Perry:** OLIVER FUCKING BANKS JURGEN WAS STILL ALIVE?

**Mike:** AND YOU DIDN’T TELL US???????

**Oliver:** you didn’t ask! none of you asked! don’t get mad at me for not doing things i wasn’t asked to do! i’m not a mind reader!

* * *

**New Private Chat - 6:09 PM**

**Oliver:** hey, how did you know elias had killed leitner?

**🕸:** oh no oliver i didnt!!

**🕸:** i knew something had just happened at the institute but i didnt know any of that! i was making a joke! elias just outed his whole ass self! 

**Oliver:** oh my god. 

* * *

**6:11 PM**

**🕸:** elias finally gets his hands dirty and its with LEITNER 😂 😂

**Jude Perry:** Hey yeah welcome to the club white boy 

**Elias:** I have killed people before! I’ve killed lots of people! I’ve been in the “club” much longer than any of you! I am older than all of you!

**Oliver:** body swapping doesn’t count, elias. i would know, i’m deaths glorified secretary.

**Nikola:** Oliver Do Not Talk We Are Mad At You!

**Elias:** I killed Gertrude!

**🕸:** ugh

**Jude Perry:** Christ don’t remind me.

**Jude Perry:** With a pearl handled revolver. You make me feel so incredibly homophobic. How disgusting.

**🕸:** what would an old timey homophobe call you? a nancy? 

**🕸:** you cant even use a gun from this century??  you didnt deserve that kill and gertrude didnt deserve that death!

**🕸:** absolutely horrendous 

**Nikola:** How Did You Kill Leitner?

**Elias:** I cracked his head open with a steel pipe.

**🕸:** AAAAYYYYY!!!!! REDEMPTION!!

**Mike:** holy shit

**Jude Perry:** WOW! I’M SHOCKED!!

**Nikola:** THAT’S ACTUALLY NOT BORING!

**Mike:** i’m literally in shock rn

**Oliver:** leitner was a weak old man who hadn’t gone outside in many years and did not have anything to defend himself with when elias trapped him in a corner. just so we all know. 

**Jude Perry:** Ah yeah much less cool. You’re still a bitch, Elias

**Mike:** how do you make a pipe murder boring

**🕸:** i dont know, but he managed it!

**Jared Boneturner has joined the chat!**

**Jared Boneturner:** Hello I’m sorry I was doing something what did I miss

**Jude Perry:** Leitner was alive and living under the institute and Oliver didn’t tell us and Elias just murdered him

**Jared Boneturner:** Lightning was alive a liver what the Hell why didn’t you tell us

**Oliver:** oh christ. here we go again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1) i know simon is so unfortunately horny im sorry i saw a series of posts and it fucking stuck to me and my characterization. fucking cant handle it
> 
> 2) this little fun thing of mine has blasted past 1k hits (the second time this has ever happened to me in my.. not even a year of writing fanfic! wow!) and i just want to say: thank you so much for your support. you are all phenomenal people and your comments make me so happy. the tma fandom is so welcoming and active and honestly it has been a joy to join. you are all my favorites and although i can't get to every comment (i get to a lot of them!) i need you to know that i thank you for being so kind from the bottom of my heart. it really makes my day to know that i'm bringing joy to people. you're the best. <3
> 
> 3) I am now back at college, so my breakneck pace of uploads will probably drop off a bit - it's almost finals week, my chronic illness is flaring, and i'm just phenomenally busy kadjhfkjsdh. feel free to hit me up on my [tumblr](https://themlet.tumblr.com) if you have any groupchat ideas (the list of ideas i had is RAPIDLY dwindling!) and they might end up getting done! or if you just wanna chat or be friends thats fuckin cool too. love you all.


	8. spiderlink

**New Private Chat - 3:12 PM**

**Elias:** Annabelle please get your spiders out of my office, I seriously do not have the patience to deal with this today.

**🕸:** nooo just hold on

**Elias:** There’s so many of them, and I hate it.

**🕸:** theyre doing something hold on okay dont kill them put the raid away

**Elias:** Fine.

**Elias:** Do you know how many people think I’m an arachnophobe? Rosie slipped me the card of a specialist the other day because I went around my Institute knocking down all your spiderwebs. 

**🕸:** the ones that said mean things about your hair?

**Elias:** Yes. 

**🕸:** lol those were inspired. i should put them back up. your hair is stupid 

**Elias:** I know, you said.

**🕸:** i still cant believe you dye it grey you maniac

**Elias:** You also said that.

**Elias:** I ended up shouting at someone about the words in them, right next to the only spider web in the entire Institute that wasn’t insulting me, which I know was your doing.

**🕸:** god im good. im so funny 

**🕸:** i deserve an award. do they give comedy awards?

**🕸:** dont actually answer that i know you dont know. youve never been funny

**Elias:** I do wish you would quit skulking around my Institute. It’s so deeply annoying.

**🕸:** i dont skulk shut up. also theyre done

**Elias:** Are you really going to force upon me the indignity of typing out a youtube link letter by letter?

**🕸:** yes

**🕸:** do you not like my spiderlinks… i think theyre great

**Elias:** I know you can send me actual physical links, Annabelle. You’ve done it before. You don't need to put them in a massive spiderweb.

**🕸:** my phones about to commit avatar-related suicide so i cant go online rn. and im too lazy to grab a new one so you just have to deal.

**Elias:** Fine.

**🕸:** i know you and peter are fighting right now so i thought id send something that reminded me of you two

**Elias:** “British lads hit each other with chair”

**🕸:** yeah

**🕸:** its what you guys look like when you fight

**🕸:** you should get a mirror in your office so you can see how funny you look when your face gets all red like that. its my favorite colour

**Elias:** Annabelle what did you do to my Raid

**🕸:** oh you finally got the silly string can!

**🕸:** you might wanna get it off your walls. they say it doesnt stain but it totes does i got it on the ceiling once when i was a kid and it took so many crocodile tears to convince my mom it was my brother 

**🕸:** fuck im a genius 

**Elias:** ANNABELLE

**🕸:** yeah sooo theres only one can thats still actually raid and im gonna keep filling your office with spiders so you might wanna find it quick. your odds are something like 1 in 120, because you have so many cans of raid. seriously its overkill it took me so long to replace all the labels and stuff

**🕸:** good luck happy hunting

**Elias:** I’M GOING TO KILL YOU

**🕸:** you can sure try!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if youre curious about my thoughts on elias' hair, you can find more of them [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21173447). yes i am absolutely positive he dyes streaks of it grey. he wants to look more refined and the bouchards do not go grey.


	9. oliver banks' gcal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> have i mentioned before that these have no chronological order and you shouldn't try to make sense of them? they dont. im just fuckin spackling shit onto the walls here.  
> also, this fic has [fanart](https://qpenguin98.tumblr.com/post/189427053920/annabelle-and-oliver-getting-brunch-together-from) now, holy shit, thank you parker, you're the fucking best

**2:46 PM**

**Nikola:** Jude, Remember That Plumber Who Pulled Flesh Out Of My Drain And Did Not Realize It Was Flesh?

**Jude Perry:** Oh christ yes I forgot. Peak comedy. I burned the shit out of his arm

**Nikola:** Yes!!)))

**manyworms:** did you end up killing him jude?

**Jude Perry:** Hell if i know

**Nikola:** No, But I Did!))

**Jude Perry:** How am I supposed to keep track of that? I’ve killed so many people they all bleed together. 

**Mike:** who actually remembers the people they kill? couldnt be me. tossed a guy off a building a few days ago, didnt even bother learning his name first!

**Oliver:** i do.

**Jude Perry:** Well jesus oliver we can’t all be martyrs now can we

**🕸:** he has a gcal set up for his whole thing, it’s quite quaint really. different colors for different deaths and all sorts of things like that

**🕸:** look see! there’s our brunch date this week! im right in between wes abernathy and alice white [IMG_1]

**Oliver:** i regret letting you sync our gcals.

**Nikola:** What The Fuck?

**Jude Perry:** You schedule your showers?

**Mike:** are you *good*??

**manyworms:** horrifying please do not show me such terrors

**Oliver:** i like to be organized. 

**Nikola:** Yes, I Can See That!

**Jude Perry:** I’ve never met anyone creepier than you in my life

**Oliver:** you’re in a cult.

**Jude Perry:** Yeah.

**Oliver:** you are all so judgemental. it gives me a modicum of control over my life/death, okay? it’s fine.

**Elias:** Frankly, I don’t see what’s wrong with any of what Oliver is doing. My Google calendar looks very similar, actually.

**Elias:** Minus the deaths, of course.

**Oliver:** oh god. i can’t be elias. it can’t happen. i’m going to have to delete my gcal. fuck. my therapist is going to be so disappointed in me.

**manyworms:** you go to therapy.

**Mike:** mate are you serious?? you go to therapy???

**Nikola:** Oliver!

**Jude Perry:** Holy fuck, Banks, you scare me so much. You scare me so fucking much.

**🕸:** oliver i am searching your gcal frantically right now and am seeing no mention of therapy or doctors or any sort of actual appointments and quite frankly if something is not in your gcal it doesn’t exist.

**Oliver:** i don’t go to therapy anymore, don’t be ridiculous. i used to though, before… everything. 

**Oliver:** and to this day, whenever i do something self destructive or stupid, i can feel her disapproval radiating out of her. 

**Mike:** just *thinking* about that makes me want to run away

**🕸:** well mike maybe if you did less stupid shit that wouldnt be such a scary thought

**Mike:** hey.

**Jude Perry:** That’s fucking ominous. Is she with the web?

**Oliver:** no, jude, that’s just how therapists are.

**Nikola:** Terrifying!

**manyworms:** i went to therapy before… he didnt listen to me and was mean

**Oliver:** i’m sorry to hear that, jane. i got lucky and had a very good therapist, and i hope jane’s bad experience doesn’t dissuade anyone from going to therapy. honestly, i think it’d be useful for all of us.

**manyworms:** don’t go to him though. i mean you couldn’t, because i did have my great-grandworms eat him, but he was a bad therapist, and you shouldn’t even if you could

**Oliver:** … see what i mean? 

**Jude Perry:** I’m already in therapy. Watch

**Jude Perry:** [VID_1]

**Oliver:** if i tap on that, is it going to be someone burning alive?

**Jude Perry:** Extremely therapeutic!

**Oliver:** on god i’m going to white mom it, buy a minivan, and haul you all to therapy with me if it’s the last thing i do.

**🕸:** tbh you should maybe theyll give us a group discount. do they do those?

**Oliver:** i’m sure they would for you, annabelle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in this fucking house we stan therapy. everyone go to therapy right now or else.
> 
> thank you for reading you are all so very lovely. special thanks to AristeNikkan for 1) great grandworms 2) all of your kind wonderful comments! you rock!


	10. rules

**AVATAR GROUPCHAT RULEBOARD! PLEASE READ AND ACCEPT BEFORE JOINING.**

1) no eye emojis unless theyre the ones looking left (because those ones annoy elias) (please give notice before usage so that members who do not want elias in their lives may put their phones down.)

2) do not mention the buried when simon is in the chat.

3) no being horny (unless its funny) (EDIT: simon can NEVER be horny, as it is NEVER funny.)

4) nobody is allowed to use information found via groupchat to find and maim/kill/stalk another member of the group chat. this is me, annabelle, writing this, so you all have to follow it. 

5) if you’re kicked, you have to come and ask me, oliver, via pm to be allowed back in. alternatively you may grovel to annabelle.

6) be nice to jared hes trying his best ok

7) jude is NOT allowed to use the word “lit”. it was funny the first time jude, not the 1000th.

8) only bully people who deserve it

9) no inviting elias to the anti-elias sidechat

10) annabelle is allowed to flagrantly disregard these rules whenever she wants

11) no she isn’t.

12) elias isn't allowed to call people old timey slurs without providing a translation. say it with your chest. no hiding behind being old

13) please don't spam the chat, no matter how upset you are. (i am looking at you, jane.)

14) no normal people allowed lmfao

15) be “respectful”.

**Do you accept these rules?**

_**Yes**_ No

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> owo who could be joining?


	11. Archivist has joined the chat!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the delay with getting this chapter up! this ones a long one, (and hopefully a good one) which i hope makes up for it!  
> this ones a lil different as you will immediately notice, i promise we'll get back to regular ass chatfic format!! i had a hard time with the chapter without the shift, it was clunky and disjointed and not as funny as i wanted it to be, and i just had to get this out of my system. thank you for sticking with me <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> set directly post 159. none of these really have any timeline and we will def skip back and forth from here.

Jon and Martin don’t hold hands as Jon leads him out of the Lonely, because Jon doesn’t let him slip that far from his reach. He keeps Martin’s arm slung around his shoulder the whole way, Martin’s face pressed against the top of his head, tears wet in his hair, Jon’s fingers gripping tight to his waist.

It would have been easier, probably, and simpler to have kept their hands clasped, but some ridiculous class Jon’d taken in his first year of uni had hissed _just like Orpheus and Eurydice_ into his ear, and Jon’d spent the walk out of the fog terrified that Martin would become a shade, dissolve into the fine grains of sand beneath their feet, slip from his fingers with the soft sigh of an hourglass running out, doomed to never touch the light, and, well. He can’t lose something he’s holding on to.

Hasn’t yet, anyways.

Right now, they’re sitting on the couch in Martin’s flat, curling together like quotation marks, Jon’s head on his shoulder, fingers gently holding Martin’s wrist as he knits - something, a bundle of sage green yarn dug out from a white wicker basket, the metal of the needles clacking in a tranquilizing rhythm, his pulse bumping against the thin skin on the inside of his wrist. Jon traces the branching blue veins he finds there with the pads of his fingers, and Martin shivers. His teeth have been chattering in fits and starts since they left the Lonely, but it seems to be finally tapering off, as with the tremors in his hands. Jon’s not sure if it’s the knitting, which he’s seen Martin do often enough to recognize it as a stress reliever, or him.

Selfishly, Jon hopes it’s him. He shuts his eyes and leans further into Martin’s side, rubbing his cheek against Martin’s shoulder.

He doesn’t mean to fall asleep, and he probably didn’t quite manage it, but nonetheless it _feels_ like he’s waking up when Martin taps his needles together a few times, a handful of minutes later. Jon peels his eyes open and sits up - Martin’s expression is distant, but thinking, not lost. 

“I should - I should probably make dinner,” Martin says, quiet. It’s the first words either of them have spoken since Jon’s little confession in the Lonely, and his voice is still a bit thick. “I mean, I’m not - I’m not hungry?” he continues, then clears his throat. “But I know I - _we_ \- should eat anyways.”

“Okay,” Jon says. He takes his hand off of where it now rests - around the crook of Martin’s elbow - and brings it up to card his fingers through the dark hair at the nape of Martin’s neck. He traces around the cowlick there and Martin sighs heavily, tipping his head forward. Martin could use a haircut - the shorter hair is grown out into thick curls an inch or two in length, and the longer part on top has lost all of its peach dye, turning bone-white, the ends brittle. His roots are long and obvious, a deep enough brown as to be almost black. Jon had been shocked when he’d finally caught sight of Martin after his… coma, caught off guard by his hair sparkling under the harsh fluorescents, his skin washed out, his eyes tired. Even his clothes - professional grey slacks and a white shirt - had been off putting. Jon had never seen Martin look so… _desaturated._

“Soup,” Martin decides. “I _think_ I have the stuff for that. It won’t be… the best?” he says, glancing over at Jon, “Not traditional at least, I don’t have any… I haven’t gone shopping in awhile. Too tired to cook, really.”

“Sounds good,” Jon replies, sending up a silent curse to Peter Lukas for sucking yet another joy from Martin’s life, remembering the copious amounts of pastries and cookies he used to bring to the Archives. Jon had largely refused to eat them at first, making excuses to himself that Martin was _trying to bribe him into liking him,_ or some other such insanity. He’d like to go back and slap his past self for every stupid thing he’s done, but that would probably take him _quite_ a while. “Can I help?” Jon asks.

Martin pulls away from Jon’s hand a bit to look at him fully and raise an eyebrow at him. “You can’t cook,” he says.

“I - I can cook!” Jon says, defensive. “How would you know? You’ve never had my cooking.”

Martin’s eyebrow raises further, a smile twitching at the corners of his mouth. “You microwave your tea.”

“There’s _no difference_ -,” Jon starts, then huffs and flicks Martin’s ear, making him laugh and detangle the yarn from around his fingers to rub at it. “Fine, then, _don’t_ appreciate my help.”

“I appreciate your help _plenty,_ Jon, I just don’t accept hinderance!” he says, almost sing-song, pushing the stitches down onto the plastic cord that connects the needles, setting it aside and standing up. He leans down and presses a kiss to Jon’s forehead, seemingly unthinkingly, and for a narrow second Jon’s world splices down to the feeling of Martin’s dry lips against his skin.

Martin straightens up immediately, cheeks going as red as Jon’s face feels. “Uh, I’ll just -,” he says, then gestures towards the kitchen.

“Of course,” Jon says, nodding like a bobblehead for lack of a better option beyond hiding under the couch or saying _try again, but lower._

“Bathroom’s down the hall next to my room,” Martin mumbles, rubbing the back of his neck. “Clothes are in the dresser if you want to change - you have a little…” he waves a hand at Jon, loosely. “Not that it’ll fit you, but -,”

“It’ll be fine, Martin,” Jon says, having already resigned himself to looking like a scarecrow for a while until either he manages to steal some of his clothes back from the Institute, or he goes and buys more. Martin isn’t a small man, and Jon is, as Georgie once put it, the human version of a teacup chihuahua. She was very drunk at the time, and carrying him bridal style for no reason he could ascertain neither then or now, but she wasn’t wrong. “Thank you.”

Martin nods and backs out of the room, and Jon holds his breath until he hears drawers start to open and close, the clank of pots and pans.

Jon borrows a pale yellow sweater, because it’s _hideously_ soft, and some joggers, because they have a drawstring, from Martin’s drawers. He slips into the bathroom to peel off his binder - there’s a deep ache settling into his upper back, creeping along his spine. He should really stop wearing it, his chest is small enough that he doesn’t _need_ to, strictly speaking. He only does when he’s feeling particularly self-conscious, which always seems to coincide with days his life goes even _more_ off the rails. It’s a logical fallacy, he knows, there must be plenty of days where he wears it and everything turns out fine, but days such as this one stick out in his mind.

He jumps when he flicks on the light and catches sight of himself in the mirror - there’s a fine spray of blood across his face and shirt, dried a deep, nasty red. Bits of near aerosolized brain and bone matter have cemented themselves to his pants and likely his shoes, sitting in the entryway, and frankly, Jon’s shocked Martin had allowed Jon to _walk_ next to him, let alone sit on his couch and touch him. He dumps his ruined clothes into the wastebasket to be burned later, except for the binder, which he wriggles out of with a grimace and a few deep coughs.

Some of the bigger blood droplets have soaked through the shirt to his binder, so he rinses it in the sink before wringing it out and hanging it to dry on the doorknob, then washes his hands and his face, the water running a pinkish-orange. He’d shower, but he’d like to make this quick, too afraid of suddenly noticing an absence of noise coming from the kitchen.

He sorts through Martin’s medicine cabinet for some Advil after he gets dressed, because he can feel a headache building between his eyes, and almost knocks over a little vial of Martin’s testosterone when his phone buzzes _loudly_ on the sink and scares the shit out of him. He thought - he could have _sworn_ it was on silent.

He knocks back two pills dry and picks up the phone.

**_1_ ** **Notification from** **_Discord But Evil_ **

Jon raises an eyebrow at his phone and taps though the notification, which opens an app he _knows_ he’s never seen before, the icon of which is… unsettling. A page pops up, which he reads carefully, feeling his eyebrows climbing up into his hairline as he does so. He hits accept with no small amount of trepidation.

* * *

**6:12 PM - Archivist has joined the chat!**

**🕸:** so 1) who gives a flying fuck about him other than elias, which is really debatable even then 2) ultimately i think the decision rests on olivAAAAAAYYY!

**Nikola:** ARCHIVIST!

**Oliver:** greetings, jonathan.

**Jude Perry:** Hey idiot! You’re here!

**Mike:** whats up asshole get anyone else killed lately

**Jared Boneturner:** Hello John 

**🕸:** stop being bitter mike

**Archivist:** What is this?

**🕸:** nothing that you need to be afraid of or concerned about. this is not worrying at all and you are not afraid. do you understand.

**Archivist:** I understand.

**🕸:** good! cool! this is the avatar groupchat! congrats you are officially an avatar. welcome. thanks for killing peter btw fucking brilliant

**Jared Boneturner:** It was really funny smiley face

**Jude Perry:** Absolutely choice. Really makes up for how rude you are tbh

**Mike:** oh he was rude to you too?

**Jude Perry:** He wouldn’t shake my hand :( do you know how sad that makes me?

**Mike:** oh well he did get me killed so like…

**🕸:** stop being bitter, mike.

**Mike:** okay.

**Mike:** christ annabelle *fuck* off. talk about rude.

* * *

Jon walks back into the kitchen to find Martin at the counter chopping vegetables, a pot of water set to boil on the stovetop. He winds one arm around Martin’s waist, enjoying the feeling of his soft stomach and the warmth of Martin’s back against his chest. Martin takes one hand off of the cutting board to cover Jon’s, squeezing it gently before going back to the cooking. 

…He should tell Martin what’s going on, but he thinks he’ll worry, for some reason or another. And Jon doesn’t want to do that to him at all, let alone tonight, not after everything. Martin deserves some rest. Jon has to stretch up onto his toes to reach, but he places a quick kiss on the nape of Martin’s neck, and Martin lets out a huff of laughter, high and breathless, his ears shading pink. Jon turns his head to press his cheek against Martin’s shoulder blade, and types one-handed.

* * *

**Archivist:** Alright. Okay.

**Archivist:** Is this… every avatar? Are you all here?

**🕸:** oh god no only the fun ones, and the ones in in england. imagine if we had like, amherst up in here? that would suck shit omg. also it depends on whos online

**Jude Perry:** I’m here

**Nikola:** Hello!

**Mike:** not like i have anything better to do

**Elias:** Greetings, Jonathan.

**🕸:** pleeeease dont immediately attack and kill elias i knowww hes annoying but its not worth it

**Archivist:** Wait. I thought Nikola was dead? And Mike? I watched Mike die?

**Oliver:** 👋🏿

**Oliver:** have to keep the groupchat ‘poppin’, so to speak. they are dead, don’t worry. they’re just also… here.

**🕸:** its fine, jon. you are accepting this and moving on so we can go back to being funny.

**Archivist:** It’s fine.

**Archivist:** Nikola did kidnap me though.

**Nikola:** Ugh, Give It A Rest, Archivist!

* * *

“Jon,” Martin says, laughing as he tries to side step away from Jon, who has attached himself, limpet-like, to his back. “I do have to _move_ in order to cook.”

“Do you?” Jon wonders aloud, but does try to do a little better to move with him.

* * *

**Jude Perry:** We all get a little kidnapped sometimes you’re not special

**¿¿uǝlǝH:** I am also here

**Hǝlǝu¿¿:** Hello archivist

**H̴̪͐ǝ̷̙̠͌̊̄̽ḷ̴̡͘ǝ̴͎̚u̴̡̩̞̅̉͂̿͝¿̷̠̖͒̐́¿̴̱̗̓̆:** Glad you’ve finally decided to join us

**ǝ̶̙͓̓̋̊̔͝ủ̴̜̯͎̔͗͝ở̴̬̼̍͛̆ɥ̷̟͍̯̉͋d̴̩̟̎̈́̃͂Ỉ̸͎̤̾̀̎̎̂ ̵̱̞̈́ͅʎ̴̗͎͓̟̜̒̌͌ɯ̶̨͓̖̗͔͒̔ ̶̦̈́ɯ̶̠͕͔̔̏̕̚͠o̸̰͋̄̋͘͝ɹ̶̫̻́̔̏ɟ̴̞̈́͒͝ ̵͕̏̇̿ʇ̵̲̘͗̅̿ȗ̷̗̱̼̽ǝ̷͇̪̹͂͒̆͗͋S̵̨̛̝͓̳͌̉͛̕:** You know I could have convinced them to let you in sooner and you could have been having some real fun this whole time

**S̸̘̟̓è̸̻̰n̸͚̿͝ṱ̵̽ ̴̬͆f̵͌ͅr̴̖̩͘o̵͈̒͒m̵̘ ̷̖͒I̶̩͕͛.̶̟͍̓͘.̵̣̮̄́.̴̳̚͝ ̸͇̇͑P̷̠̈́̎H̸̠̣̆Ȏ̶̱O̸̳̯̔O̷̟͘Ǫ̴̒͠Ņ̶̋Ē̷̳?̵̤͒?̷̻̫̋:** But no. Instead you had to be all rude and selɟ loɐʇɥᴉuƃ ɐʇ ɯǝ

🕸: damn your phone just isnt having it tonight huh? steal a good ole brick from someone, personal experience says they dont tend to succumb to our charms as fast

**O̸̡̹̹̝̝̻̬̣̭̘͖̲͌́̉̉̋̏́͘͜͠ͅH̷͈͈̱͑̈́͌̐͗̋͌͗̒̔̾͐̏͘͘͠ ̵͚̥̳͓̞̤͖͎̺̲̫̬̤̹͖͍̩̑̃̀͛̈́G̷̙͓̺̜̐̎̈́̓̑̅̔̊͋̿̓͘̕͠Ȯ̶̰͔͛̿̇̉̚D̷̛͕̃̀͋͆͌̈́͂̚͝ ̷̢̤̗̄̅́̅͛̇̽̉̽̃̾͊I̸̧̨̮̟̻̪̱͖̪̦͎̳͑͛̏́͊̑͂̉͂̑̐̃̈́̈̋̃̚'̷̡̨̯̫͔̰͇͇̙͍͓͕̤̟̦̹͇̝̥̾̀͂͌̃͛͂Ḿ̴̭͖̝͖̺̠͕̪̹̯͋̄͐̿̀̐̈́̈̎ ̸̢̧͈̩̟͇͕͉̘̦̱̞̱͈̦̫̓̈́̽̔̅̿͒̿͜͝͝͝A̶͓̮̺̱͎̱̲̗̞̜̪͙̻͖̻̯̥͇͜͜ ̷̪̟̍͌̾̈́͘̚P̷͇̠̣͈̥͖͔̹̹̔͗̔̆̇̏ͅH̶͍̺͇̏͘͝Ơ̵͈̹̙̲̜͍̪͚̰̗̤̮̣͒̋͋̊̽̃̕̚Ṉ̸̨̡̧͚͙̜͔͚͎̤̳̼͖̣̠̮̹̝̤̑́̃͛̓̋̑̄̽̅͐͐̈̈̈́̄͌͝E̸̡̡̡͇̟͈̤̭̥̻͇̾͊̑́̇̏͛̋̂͆̓͛͂̕:** ǝuo ʍǝu ɐ ɥʇᴉʍ ʞɔɐq ǝq llᴉʍ I 

**Archivist:** Do pardon me for not wishing to be like something that murders people.

**Oliver:** i hate to interrupt, but jon, you did murder a person like an hour ago. you did do that.

**Jude Perry:** Well...

**🕸:** well

**Jude Perry:** Murder is such a strong word 

**Mike:** like he deserved it

**🕸:** so is person tbh 

* * *

“Taste,” Martin says, twisting in Jon’s grip and holding out a toasted, crusty piece of bread he’s dipped into the pot. Jon does, dutifully, and then immediately steals the bread to dip the other end into the pot and take another bite. “Jon!” Martin says, half scandalized and exasperated. 

“‘S good,” Jon says, mouth full. _“Really_ good, Martin, wow.”

Martin grins, covering his eyes with one hand. “You’re -,” he says, breaking off and shaking his head. Jon is - Jon would like to kiss him, suddenly, desperately, but settles for putting the rest of the bread in his mouth. He’ll let Martin take that step, if he still wants to. The bread is good even without Martin’s soup. “Well, I’m glad you like it,” Martin says, turning back around.

* * *

**Mike:** have you seen the amount of money he has in his bank accounts? simon showed me one time before i died and it was really a unique sort of disgusting. id hesitate to call anyone with that much money a *person*

**Oliver:** you did politely remove a capitalist from the face of the earth like an hour ago, so, jon, please look at your glass house before you begin to throw stones, thank you.

**Archivist:** Fine.

* * *

He puts down his phone after that, because the soup is done, and graciously allows Martin to convince him that they should eat from separate bowls with separate spoons, in exchange for sitting as close together at Martin’s tiny table as possible, elbows brushing. They eat in relative quiet at first, but it’s not uncomfortable - there’s just no need to fill the air. It turns to discussing their options, and onto the past few months, their bowls left empty in front of them and hands clasped over each other knees. Jon curses Peter’s name again, and again, and a few more times for good measure.

Martin puts their plan for money into action as Jon does the dishes - _no, you cooked, let me_ \- tapping at his laptop and making a series of quiet phone calls Jon pays half an ear to, letting the gentle cadence of Martin’s voice wash over him. He’s just shutting it as Jon finishes putting the last few dishes away, a very satisfied little smile on his face.

“Done?” Jon asks, tucking the dishtowel he’d slung over his shoulder back through the oven handle.

_“Shockingly_ easy,” Martin says, his smile growing. “It’s what he gets for letting other people handle everything.” He looks at Jon for a bit, his arms crossed, chewing on the inside of his cheek.

“What?” Jon asks. 

“That looks good on you,” Martin says, sounding a bit strangled. Jon gives him a concerned once-over, but Martin doesn’t seem like he’s about to start crying again, so he looks down at himself and shrugs. The sleeves are a little damp with dishwater even though he rolled them up multiple times.

“It’s soft,” he says.

Martin opens his mouth a few times like he’s going to say something before shutting it again. “You should keep it,” he says, after a pause. 

“Are you sure?” Jon asks, because it is a great sweater, and it doesn’t actually fit him. 

“Very sure,” Martin says, firm. “I don’t look good in yellow, I don’t know why I chose that yarn. It’s yours now. C’mon, I - uh, want to finish my hat,” he says, gesturing towards the living room, and Jon snags both his phone and Martin’s hand on the way back to the couch.

* * *

**Elias:** My card just got declined at Starbucks.

**Jude Perry:** Oh god please warn us when you’re about to be funny I just almost laughed in a church I’m trying to hide in

**Mike:** why are you in a *church*??

**Jude Perry:** To burn it down? Why else would i be in a church

**Mike:** i don’t know your life jude, jesus

**Elias:** This card doesn’t decline. It’s Peter’s. 

**Elias:** I had to make the barista cry to get my drink without paying my own money for it. This is untenable.

**Oliver:** what’s actually untenable is you pulling out a black amex in a starbucks, which we all know you’re only in to make other people feel poor, but sure.

**Archivist:** I’d start using your own card, Jonah.

**🕸:** omg

**🕸:** jon what did you do?? tell us.

**Archivist:** I got access to some of Peter’s memories when I killed him, I think? However it happened, I got his banking information, so I transferred a lot of money out of it into my own account. And several mental health foundations and charities.

**Oliver:** how much did you leave?

**Archivist:** £5.

**Nikola:** LMFAOOOO

**Mike:** LEGEND

**🕸:** jon omg

**Oliver:** oh my god. 

**Jude Perry:** Holy shit, Elias, how much money is your stupid drink?

**Elias:** Jonathan, that was going to be my money.

**🕸:** not anymore lmfao whore

**Archivist:** I mean, it wasn’t my idea. I just told Martin about the passcodes and he said that's what we should do.

**🕸:** oh my goddddd martin is so precious :’:’:’:’)

**🕸:** hes my FAVOURITE. tell him i said hi.

* * *

“Annabelle says hi,” Jon says, sitting sideways with his back against the arm of the couch, his legs over Martin’s lap, the hat he’s working on brushing his knees.

“Hi, Annabelle,” Martin says distractedly, what he has recently informed Jon is a stitchmarker between his teeth. He clips it back on to a loop, taps his needles together, then looks over at Jon so fast his neck cracks. “Wait, _Annabelle?”_

“Yes?” 

“Annabelle _Cane?!”_

“Yes,” Jon says, looking over the top of his phone at Martin, whose eyes are suddenly wide and round. 

_“What?!”_ Martin snaps, and Jon thinks that he probably should have told Martin earlier.

* * *

**Archivist:** Okay, so, Martin has some questions as to the rules.

**Archivist:** For example, “no normal people allowed”. Is that… serious?

**Oliver:** no.

**🕸:** yes

**Oliver:** no it’s not, annabelle, please. we are joking with it, because we aren’t 13 year old emos.

**Archivist:** Also, how is it decided that one needs to be ‘bullied’? Who deserves it? What are the criteria?

**🕸:** step one: are they with the eye? if so, proceed

**Archivist:** Ah.

**Nikola:** LMFAO

**Archivist:** And rule #4. That isn’t an honor system, is it?

**🕸:** wtf no. nothing i do has anything to do with honor are you joking

**Archivist:** He’d also like you to stop putting spiders in our apartment, because he keeps having to get up and catch them to put them outside, and he’s very tired. I would also like for you to stop putting spiders in his apartment, because I hate them.

**🕸:** jon it is frighteningly endearing how martin still picks up spiders and moves them outside even after everything that’s happened

**Archivist:** He knows they are from you, obviously. He just feels bad for them.

**Elias:** I would say you should get a can of Raid, but Annabelle spam texts you “rude” when you blast her little foot soldiers.

**🕸:** because its rude

**Elias:** So is you flouncing about MY Institute as if you own the place.

**🕸:** first of all i dont FLOUNCE, white boy,

**Elias:** I am much older than you.

**🕸:** not morally. whore

**Hǝlǝu:** Hello all, I’m back

**🕸:** hi helen!

**🕸:** ill get rid of some of them if you tell your boyfriend hes my favorite. youre both very cute right now btw

**🕸:** theyre snuggling and shit its soooo sweet...

**Archivist:** Martin’s not my boyfriend, we aren’t dating.

**Mike:** ...ok! we all *totally* believe that!

**Oliver:** are you kidding me. i think i’m going to have a stroke.

**Nikola:** Brits Are So Repressed It’s Physically Repulsive! 

**Oliver:** this is exactly the reason i hate your soap operas, annabelle. just talk to each other, good lord. feel free to imagine me clenching my teeth and shaking you as i say that, jon.

**Hǝlǝu:** … Are we talking about the same Martin? The Martin who you are in love with? Please clarify, because if it’s the Martin I’m thinking of, I will find you and laugh at you, Archivist

**Jude Perry:** Jesus christ. I’m about to melt my phone but let my last words be that, because Jesus Christ.

**🕸:** (saves the guy whose been in love with me for years from depression but like if it could vore people and cuddles with him on the couch for hours) no homo dude!! i dont like you like that!! best buddies 5ever!! eating soup with the homies #bros4life #brosb4hoez!

**Archivist:** I didn’t say I didn’t like him, I said we’re not dating, because we’re not.

**🕸:** too late! you were gonna be put in the bisexies sidechat but now youre being put in the heterosexual containment zone instead! 

**🕸:** sorry bout the name jared you know we love you even though youre straight

**Jared Boneturner:** I understand

**Jared Boneturner:** Finally I won’t be alone

**🕸:** you were never alone elias is in there with you

**Jared Boneturner:** Exactly 

**Jared Boneturner:** All by myself

**Elias:** I would like to remind you all that I have been extremely homosexual since the 1800’s.

**🕸:** yeah but you make me so incredibly homophobic! you cant be in the homosexies one!

**🕸:** i cant have you in my chat! im in there! i cant morally justify subjecting myself to that!

**Archivist:** Annabelle, if I tell Martin he’s your favorite will you please remove your spiders?

**Oliver:** jon, sorry to interrupt yet again, but please just talk to martin so i don’t have an aneurysm and die. 

**Mike:** i thought you couldnt die

**Oliver:** i will figure it out, michael.

**🕸:** i will remove MOST spiders.

**Archivist:** Good enough.

* * *

“Annabelle says you’re her favorite,” Jon says, and immediately watches as a spider ghosts across the ceiling and down to Martin’s sideboard, where it scuttles beneath it and vanishes. Jon knows if he were to get down and look, the only thing he’d find would be a thin, gossamer cobweb.

“Hold on, I’m counting to make sure my decreases…” Martin trails off, then mumbles a few numbers. 

“You’re at 32,” Jon says, feeling like the Beholding just slipped a very helpful note under the metaphorical door. 

Martin straightens up from his concentration slouch and smiles brightly at him, and Jon has to bite his tongue to keep from just leaning over and kissing him. “Thank you,” he says. “Nifty sometimes, yeah? What’d you say?”

Jon, watching a trio of false widows marches under the coffee table and under the couch, says, “You’re Annabelles favorite, apparently.”

“Huh,” Martin says, leaning back into the couch and clacking his needles together again, the noise rapidly becoming what Jon thinks must be the most soothing sound in the world. “You know, I don’t think I like that.”

“Me neither,” Jon says with a little laugh. “It’s a little, ah…”

“Predatory?” Martin supplies. He’s still smiling at Jon. 

“Very ‘unlikely animal friends’,” Jon says, smiling back. _“Look at my cat playing with his friend, the prey animal!”_

“Yeah, _no_ thank you,” Martin says. “This mouse is just fine not being eaten, thanks.” He’s developing crinkles at the corners of his eyes, just fine little lines, and they bunch up when he smiles like this, open and happy, his thighs warm under Jon’s knees.

Jon gives in, leans in, and kisses him. It’s soft and a little clumsy, their noses bumping - Martin’s smile is too wide for it to even be really called a kiss, but Jon feels his face heating up anyways as he pulls back.

“I - sorry -,” Jon starts, moving to swing his legs off of him, and Martin shakes his head, putting his hands on Jon’s knees.

“Oh no you don’t,” Martin says, and pulls him back in. 

There’s a brief jumble of limbs, but they sort it out quickly, ending with Martin lying atop of Jon, his hands in his hair, Jon’s legs wrapped around his waist. He’s a comforting weight, just the right side of heavy, and they’re both out of practice - Jon much more so - but Martin doesn’t seem to mind it.

Jon’s phone is buzzing on the coffee table obnoxiously, nonstop and _loud._ Martin pushes up off of him suddenly with a grumble of _“Oh_ my god.” 

He points at a corner of the room where, when Jon looks, he can see a large house spider. “Go _away,”_ he tells it, firm, and it skitters out into the hall. He then picks up Jon’s still vibrating phone with two fingers and drops it into the half-full water glass he’d gotten during one of the times he’d been up putting spiders outside, and the noise cuts off abruptly. 

“Good thing we got used to the whole _watching_ thing at the institute, huh?” Martin says, breathlessly, his face framed by his mussed curls as he leans up above Jon. “Now, where were we?” he asks, and Jon laughs, yanking him down again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> georgie, VERY drunk, hauling jon around and singing poorly: teaaacup chihuahua! a teaaaaacup chihuahua man! my little teaaaaacup chihuahua man!!!!  
> jon, sober, extremely cranky: georgie put me down.  
> (they both immediately get hurt as georgie falls over and drops him)  
> martin made that sweater and was having conniptions over seeing jon in it. theres something about seeing people in things YOU made that just sends you off a cliff. he got distracted by it mid robbing peters corpse multiple times lmao
> 
> this was my first time writing from jon's pov so hopefully its okay characterization-wise lkfjalkjf. 
> 
> the [soup](https://polishhousewife.com/zupa-pomidorowa-tomato-soup/) (martin made some modifications and did not make his own stock, so his babcia is rolling in her grave, and i fudged the time on it because fuck guys i cant care this much about accurate timelines in my CHATFIC.)  
> my [tumblr.](https://themlet.tumblr.com)


	12. avatar phone shuffle

**9:00 AM**

**Archivist:** I assume one of you is responsible for a new phone showing up at our door?

**🕸:** yeah lol

**🕸:** youre gonna need a new one every… how long does it take for you, elias?

**Elias:** Two weeks, or thereabouts. Varies depending on the model and frequency of usage.

**🕸:** granted youre not as… whatever as elias is so youll probably get a little more time with it. gotta start doin the avatar phone shuffle now, jonny boy

**Elias:** I assume you meant to say powerful.

**🕸:** i assume you meant to tell me youre afraid of me, elias.

**Elias:** I am afraid of you.

**🕸:** HA

**Elias:** Fuck off.

**🕸:** thats what i THOUGHT

**Archivist:** Please don't call me Jonny. Why will I need a new phone? 

**🕸:** so basically its gonna die on you lol 

**🕸:** mine gets a bunch of spider eggs in it and they start crawling out the port and such. It works a shockingly long time without any circuitry but i tend to get rid of it once a baby crawls out

**Archivist:** Good lord. And that happens to everyone?

**Nikola:** Mine Used To Become A Different Phone Every Day! Pick Up A Samsung One Day And Tweet From An iPhone The Next! Always An Adventure!))

**manyworms:** slimy

**Jude Perry:** Mine melts. Obviously.

**Jared Boneturner:** Mine gets teeth and tries to bite me

**Jared Boneturner:** Feisty little bug gars I’ve list fingers

**Mike:** mine would electrocute me. not fun! not a fan!

**h͞el̛҉e̸͏͏n̵͘,͢͜͞ m̵̢ay̴̡͝b̷̨͝e?̴:** Mine gain sentience and begin to scream

**Oliver:** the first time it happened to me i was walking down towards where i used to work for old times sake and i dropped my phone. hit the sidewalk with a wet crack, i picked it back up but it wouldn’t turn back on and started leaking blood everywhere. dropped it again and left.

**🕸:** oliver can i just say that i love how you deal with problems

**Oliver:** when it’s time, it’s time. person or otherwise.

**🕸:** elias?

**Elias:** I’ll let Jon discover that for himself, I think.

**🕸:** jesus christ

**Jude Perry:** This is why people hate you

**Elias:** Peter’s would stop receiving messages and connecting, and eventually just switch off for good if he kept it too long. I will give you that much, as he isn’t here to do it himself.

**🕸:** shut upppp were not letting him back hes so annoying

**Archivist:** How am I supposed to… dispose of this? When that happens?

**🕸:** however you want lol i just give em to people and tell them it was their phone all along

**w̷̧̕ȩ̢ ̸̡a̸̴r̵e̶ ̷nǫ͞t ḩe͜͠͝le̢͟n̸:͢͠** I leave it in my hallways!

**Jared Boneturner:** I drop it down whatever throat i have open

**Mike:** throat? do you *eat* your phone?

**Jared Boneturner:** To the flash

**Mike:** ah. makes sense

**Jared Boneturner:** To the flash I said flash

**Jared Boneturner:** The flash no flash no flash flash I swear to God I'm not saying flash 

**Nikola:** LMFAOO

**Jared Boneturner:** What the duck okay s l e c h flash flash flash flash I don't want to say it again it doesn't want to say it please oh my God flash flash flash

**Jude Perry:** Oh my god

**🕸:** okay jared sweetie we understand you mean flesh im sorry your phone isnt picking it up

**Jared Boneturner:** I am saying the E very clearly flash flash

**Elias:** Anyways, I used to hand them over to Artifact Storage to let them have some fun with the things, but someone’s made a right proper mess of my Institute, so.

**🕸:** shut up elias

**Jude Perry:** Shut up Elias

**Archivist:** Shut up, Jonah.

**🕸:** wow twinsies

**Jared Boneturner:** The throat to the flash

**🕸:** jared, darling, i love you. be quiet now.

**🕸:** jon whens martin gonna be back youre really boring to watch when youre by yourself ::::(

**Archivist:** Don’t watch me, then.

**🕸:** no

**Archivist:** Soon, though.

**🕸:** wait jon what are you doing

**🕸:** jon stop

**Mike:** whats happening??

**🕸:** jon oh my fucking god what are you DOING YOU LUNATIC

**Jude Perry:** What?

**Nikola:** Annabelle What’s Going On?

**🕸:** HES MICROWAVING HIS OLD TEA

**🕸:** THE TEABAG IS STILL IN IT

**Mike:** i should have fucking killed him when i had the chance

**Jude Perry:** You’re a fucking animal, Archivist

**Nikola:** Is That All?

**Nikola:** I Do Not Understand Your Terrible Obsession With Tea!

**Elias:** He does this. The tea was probably microwaved with the bag in it already when it was first made.

**🕸:** NO!

**Archivist:** Annabelle if you need to get my attention there are other ways than having a spider bite me.

**Oliver:** jonathan, i hate you.

**Archivist:** Is this about the tea?

**🕸:** YES

**Archivist:** It’s efficient. I won’t apologize for it.

**Mike:** you should!

**🕸:** martins back jon tell martin i want him to stop you from committing morally reprehensible acts.

**Archivist:** He laughed and said he’s tried. 

**🕸:** what does he have??

**Archivist:** I’m not… sure? 

**Archivist:** He said he had to swing out and borrow something from someone in his knitting group who makes pottery.

**🕸:** omg he knits?? hes so cute :’:’:’:’)

**Archivist:** Quite.

**🕸:** is that a dremel tool??? 

**🕸:** omg whats he doing??

**🕸:** IS THAT A MELON BALLER LMAO

**Mike:** ???

**🕸:** hes sharpening a melon baller im losing my shit

**Jude Perry:** For yourselves or for Elias?

**🕸:** elias. duh 

**Jude Perry:** LMAO you better start running bitch!!

**Elias:** He keeps getting worse. I can’t figure out where this violent, manipulative little streak came from.

**🕸:** getting worse??

**🕸:** i literally cant believe how dumb both you and peter are elias 

**Elias:** How am I dumb?

**🕸:** idk letting him pull one over on you in the first place hes so obviously a bitch its not even funny

**Elias:** I only underestimated him once. He’s really not very threatening, it was an easy mistake.

**🕸:** was it?? 

**Oliver:** elias, he’s gay. he’s a bitch. only gay people can be that bitchy and still be lovable.

**🕸:** i knew he was a bastard from the get-go you stupid asshole i could just smell it on him. eau de bitch

**🕸:** jon is martin a bitch? answer honestly.

**Archivist:** Yes, it’s wonderful.

**Jude:** God get that sappy shit out of here i’ll vomit

**Archivist:** Martin also has another question as to the rules? Specifically, why are there scarequotes around be “respectful”?

**Oliver:** jesus christ annabelle, i asked you to stop doing that.

**🕸:** no man can tell me what to do

**Oliver:** on god i just want a semi-normal group chat. is that so wrong of me?

**Jude:** Yes

**ï̷̶̉́ţ̇͘ ̵ͧͫͨ̔́̐̚̚i̔̌ͦ̉̆̋͞s̡ͦ͒ͭͧ̈͒ ͂͛aͪ̂̃͗͟l̸͛͌ͩ̇̈́l̢̂̊͗̈́͒ͭ ̷̋͋ͦ̈́̐̆̄lͧͦ̅ͫÿ̅i̛͒͐ͯn͗̚̕g̴̡ͮͧ̂** Yes

**🕸:** yes

**Elias:** Yes.

**manyworms:** yes

**Mike:** 100%

**Nikola:** Absolutely!

**Oliver:** why do i even bother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im nikola in this. whats the deal with tea. its bad.  
> thank you for reading! comments are as always appreciated. love you all!


	13. To: web@web.web

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a series of emails between elias and various web avatars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> jon, despite not actually being in this chapter, does get bullied in this one. i love him but elias doesnt. also if you're not in ep 158-160 territory this is spoilery, but like, so is most of this fic? So?

**From:** james.wright@mag.edu

 **To:** web@web.web

 **Subject:** I’ve had enough.

Raymond: 

I have had enough of these games. Is this funny to you? This is how I live my life, and your actions are, quite frankly, disrespectful. You are not half as funny as you think you are. I tire of your conduct - it is unbecoming of men our age and entirely unwarranted, as I have never done anything to hinder the Mother of Puppets and have never treated you and your ilk with anything other than the upmost respect. The Eye and the Web are not enemies, and I would like to keep us that way. Such grievous insults will not go ignored, and if I am not treated with the respect I have given to your kind for so long, I will be forced to retaliate. I suspected your involvement during the previous one, but this has made your actions clear. Do not send me such a short replacement body again. 5’6 is too small, my original body was 5’8.

Sincerely,

James Wright

Head of the Magnus Institute

Chelsea, London, United Kingdom.

_Audio. Vigilo. Opperior._

_This message is intended for the sole use of the addressee, and may contain information that is privileged, confidential and exempt from disclosure under applicable law. If you are not the addressee, please do not use, copy, disclose, or distribute to anyone the message or any information contained in the message. If you have received this message in error, please immediately advise the sender by reply email and delete this message. Thank you for your assistance._

* * *

**From:** elias.bouchard@mag.edu

 **To:** web@web.web

 **Subject:** (This field has been intentionally left blank.)

5’4???????? FUCK YOU

Sincerely,

Elias Bouchard

Head of the Magnus Institute

Chelsea, London, United Kingdom.

_Audio. Vigilo. Opperior._

**(Click to expand message)**

* * *

**From:** elias.bouchard@mag.edu

 **To:** web@web.web

 **Subject:** New Body

Raymond if this one goes bald like its family apparently does I will rip you to pieces with my bare hands. I will shoot you like a fucking dog. Use your powers to keep this bodies hair on its head or I will hunt down every web stronghold and burn them to the ground. You’re a piece of shit.

Sincerely,

Elias Bouchard

Head of the Magnus Institute

Chelsea, London, United Kingdom.

_Audio. Vigilo. Opperior._

**(Click to expand message)**

* * *

**From:** elias.bouchard@mag.edu

 **To:** web@web.web

 **Subject:** Hair

Thanks.

Sincerely,

Elias Bouchard

Head of the Magnus Institute

Chelsea, London, United Kingdom.

_Audio. Vigilo. Opperior._

**(Click to expand message)**

* * *

**From:** elias.bouchard@mag.edu

 **To:** web@web.web

 **Subject:** New Hires

Ms. Cane:

I appreciate all the capable, intelligent hirees you are sending my way, your capabilities and intellect are far outstripping your predecessors’ already. However, please just send me one absolute idiot. I mean a real moron. Someone who can’t communicate or interact with other people. You keep sending me people who can think and behave like human beings, and at any other time it would be appreciated, but I don't want that right now. I've had smart ones, and they are too destructive. I need someone who has the same IQ and communication skills as a rock.

Thank you in advance.

Sincerely,

Elias Bouchard

Head of the Magnus Institute

Chelsea, London, United Kingdom.

_Audio. Vigilo. Opperior._

**(Click to expand message)**

* * *

**From:** elias.bouchard@mag.edu

 **To:** web@web.web

 **Subject:** THANK YOU

Ms. Cane, I just watched him walk into a door frame while reading. Yesterday someone told him that the push door he was pulling on was, in fact, a push, and he snapped at them. He once spent a full 20 minutes trying to use a broken hole-puncher because he didn’t want to ask a researcher for a working one. Best of all: he’s a full inch shorter than me. He is so perfect I could cry. I’ve never seen a more unobservant man in my life, it’s beautiful. You are a shining star, my dear.

Sincerely,

Elias Bouchard

Head of the Magnus Institute

Chelsea, London, United Kingdom.

_Audio. Vigilo. Opperior._

**(Click to expand message)**

* * *

**From:** elias.bouchard@mag.edu

 **To:** web@web.web

 **Subject:** (This field has been intentionally left blank)

Ms. Cane, I have to hold meetings in my office, filling it with cobwebs is both childish and inconvenient. What is the meaning of this? I can’t even walk in.

Sincerely,

Elias Bouchard

Head of the Magnus Institute

Chelsea, London, United Kingdom.

_Audio. Vigilo. Opperior._

**(Click to expand message)**

* * *

**From:** elias.bouchard@mag.edu

 **To:** web@web.web

 **Subject:** I understand now.

Annabelle:

You’re a bitch.

Sincerely,

Elias Bouchard

Head of the Magnus Institute

Chelsea, London, United Kingdom.

_Audio. Vigilo. Opperior._

**(Click to expand message)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes email was around when james wright became institute head it became Big in the mid 1970's and you Know the web was all up in that shit right away so 1973 isnt much of a stretch.  
> thank you for all your lovely comments! i love you all and cherish every one.  
> my [tumblr](https://themlet.tumblr.com).


	14. mommy long legs just landed in london baby, whats...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> really earning our mature rating here folks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im sorry about this one

**2:02 PM**

**MotherofPuppets:** marrrtinnnn…

**MKBlackwood:** jesus christ not again. go away im doing peters scheduling. and stop leaving cobwebs in my office it is getting really annoying to clean them up and Peter keeps asking about it. do you know how awful that is for me? almost as awful as knowing an extraplanar entity of death has discord and can text me whenever it feels like it.

**MotherofPuppets:** i’ll stop if u come play with mee…

**MKBlackwood:** no

**MotherofPuppets:** come play with me in the space…

**MKBlackwood:** no

**MotherofPuppets:** i have feelings for u…

**MKBlackwood:** no

**MotherofPuppets:** please… come on we’d be such a good fit… we’re perfect for each other admit it…

**MKBlackwood:** no

**MotherofPuppets:** please… ur so funny and manipulative and ur ass is so fat… ur so sexy…

**MotherofPuppets:** did u know i’m collecting fat assed avatars …

**MKBlackwood:** no

**MotherofPuppets:** annabelle is stacked raymond had cake and now u… the crown jewel of fat assery… nobody does bubble butts like us… the vast  **wishes** her stupid manlets had these asses… did u ever wonder why allllllll the entities r after you… it’s because of your cheeks… look at u... double cheeked up on a thursday afternoon... the only fat assed avatar around that i didn’t own was mike crew and now that he’s gone everybody’s  **thirsty** for fresh meat… i can’t let anybody else take u… 

**MKBlackwood:** no

**MotherofPuppets:** pleeeease martin its so juicy… that shits like a  **shelf…** boy i could stack  **books** on that thing… nobody will appreciate u like i do… i can’t live without u…

**MKBlackwood:** no

**MotherofPuppets:** babe please i’ll treat u right i’ll treat u better than both the beholding AND the lonely… they’re ugly ass bitches they don’t love u like i do… bring ur juicy ass over to the mommy… u and annabelle can be bffs… i’ll even get u those partners in crime necklaces that u put together to make a heart… we love u already… 

**MKBlackwood:** no

**MotherofPuppets:** you suck.

**You can no longer message this user.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy new year! (sprays champagne in my own eyes and runs off yodeling)
> 
> also! sorry these chapters have been taking a bit! it is likely to stay this way as i am working on a long form fic rn (jonmartin... time travel... does this interest any of you) which will be eating up my time until i finish it. sorry about that! hopefully the delays wont be too terrible.
> 
> if you think this one should have stayed in the drafts (this, somehow, is not the worst post i've almost made) yell at me on [tumblr](https://themlet.tumblr.com)


	15. girls just wanna have fun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2 conversations between Jude Perry and Nikola Orsinov

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the last chapter kjshfgjhs have a more normal one

**5:39 PM - Private Message**

**Nikola:** Jude, Darling, What Is A Normal Name For Normal People?

**Jude Perry:** You just made me forget every name I’ve ever heard of in my life

**Jude Perry:** What are you being this time? Man? Woman? No?

**Nikola:** Woman!

**Jude Perry:** Uh… Megan?

**Nikola:** That Works! Thank You!

**Jude Perry:** Great have fun

**Nikola:** I Always Do!))))

**9:20 PM**

**Nikola:** Jude.

**Jude Perry:** Holy shit are you dying

**Nikola:** What? No?

**Nikola:** Jude How Could You Accuse Me Of Such A Thing?( Maybe I Do Not Want To Invite You To Have Fun With Me!(((

**Jude Perry:** Bitch you used a period I’ve literally never seen you do that before pardon me for thinking you had a nuke fall on your plastic ass and were reaching out a melted hand for comfort in your final moments of freakdom

**Jude Perry:** Jokes of course you’re too powerful for a nuke to kill and too sexy to ask for comfort

**Nikola:** LMAOO You Are Pardoned!) 

**Jude Perry:** What was so dire you had to use a full stop to message me?

**Nikola:** Uh!

**Nikola:** Oh Yes! I Have Found The Biggest Idiot To Ever Walk The Face Of The Earth And Must Share Him With You!

**Jude Perry:** Sharing is caring. What’d he do

**Nikola:** Exactly, Jude! 

**Nikola:** My Fun Little Flensing Factory Had A Clogged Drain!(( And While I Was Browsing The Phone Book For A Plumber To Victimize I Come Across A Man Named Sebastian Skinner!

**Jude Perry:** Lmfao on the nose yeah? Gotta have him

**Nikola:** YES! So I Invite Him Over! Oh Mr. Skinner I, A Normal Human Woman Who Is Wearing My Own Skin I Grew Myself On My Own Living Body, Am So Distraught About My Nasty Drain That You Simply Must Come Tonight! Yes I Will Pay Extra Mr. Skinner! I Am Not Currently Sharpening A Knife Upon Which I Have Laboriously Carved Your Hysterical Name And I Have No Clue What Would Give You That Impression! I Would Do Anything For You Mr. Skinner As Long As You Unclog My Drain At Once! 

**Jude Perry:** There’s a joke to be made here vis a vis the unclogging of drains but it’s not working

**Jude Perry:** Give me ten minutes

**Nikola:** For A Joke?

**Jude Perry:** Yes keep going

**Jude Perry:** It’ll come to me

**Jude Perry:** WAIT

**Jude Perry:** My husbands not home Mr Skinner come snake my drain

**Nikola:** LMAOO

**Nikola:** Oh Mr. Skinner How Big Is Your Drain Snake?

**Nikola:** Mr. Skinner Could Unclog MY Pipes!

**Jude Perry:** BITCH stop i’m going to cry keep going with the story

**Jude Perry** : Wait actually what’s flensing? My phone’s a bit melty and won’t let me google.

**Nikola:** To Slice The Skin And Fat From The Meat!))

**Jude Perry:** Oh lovely! And even more on the nose for Mr Dramatic Irony there

**Jude Perry:** If I grew out my nails and got my hands hot enough do you think I could do it without a knife? It’d be more burning but eh

**Nikola:** Only One Way To Find Out, Darling!

**Nikola:** So He Drops By, And I Am Wearing My Most Ill-Fitting Skin Special For The Occasion! I Wait For Him To Notice! He Does Not Blink! He Says: Take Me To The Plughole! I Figure, Fine! Improv I Can Do! I Am A Woman Of Many Talents!

**Jude Perry:** Most of them being acting and torture

**Nikola:** You Flatter Me!))))

**Nikola:** Throw Open The Doors! Spread My Arms! I Am A Performer! This Is My Bigtop Mr. Skinner! Come See The Show! There WILL Be Audience Participation!

**Nikola:** He Walks Right Through The Factory Without Batting An Eye. There Are Human Corpses Everywhere. He Almost Trips On An Arm. I Am Feeling Like I Might Lose My Mind. This Is Not How You Treat A Lady Mr. Skinner. I Have Done So Much To Impress You And It Is Like Dancing The Flamenco For A Brick Wall. All Of My Efforts Are Being Wasted. You Insult me.

**Jude Perry:** The full stops make you sound so much scarier I love it

**Nikola:** Thank You!)) I Lead Him To The Back Room! The Drain Is Clogged! There Is A Pool Of Old Blood Atop It! There Is No Doubt In My Mind It Reeks! Still, Mr. Skinner Does Not Blink! He Gets To Work As Though Nothing Is Happening!

**Jude Perry:** Ignorance and apathy are superpowers. I literally don’t bother with retail workers half the time because they’re just like “same shit as always”

**Nikola:** Jude You Do Not Understand. I Talked About Skinning Him Alive And He said “Uh-Huh”. I Told Him The Color His Fat Would Be. I Was Creepily Whispering Like I Was In A Horror Movie Because I Thought It Might Help. He Asked Me To Speak Up.

**Jude Perry:** Oh my GOD

**Nikola:** I Talked About Eating His SKIN! That Isn’t Even My THING! I Don’t Even Have A STOMACH! I Was DESPERATE!

**Jude Perry:** Blow in his ear and he’ll whistle like an empty bottle

**Nikola:** He Pulls Up A Wad Of Congealed Fat Without Blinking. Puts It In A Cute Little Baggie. He Has No Reaction To The Human Flesh He Is Holding. I Am Silent. I Can’t Think Of Words To Say.

**Jude Perry:** Jesus I can’t even imagine you silent

**Nikola:** He Leaves! I Let Him Leave! I Couldn’t Do Anything Short Of Throwing A Body At Him! I Watch His Cute Little Truck Trundle Off Down The Road In Silence! My Mouth Agape! Who The Fuck Is This Man!

**Jude Perry:** I just… No reaction to anything. His cranium must be made of solid bone

**Nikola:** EXACTLY! There’s Nothing I Can Do About Stupidity!

**Nikola:** However!

**Nikola:** I Can’t Let The Bastard Win! So I’m Going To Invite Him Back Tomorrow! But Honestly I’m Done With This Place And Could Use A Cleanup Crew! And I Think I Know The Woman For The Job!)) Sharing Is Caring!

**Jude Perry:** Aw Nikola you DO love me! Wya?

**Nikola:** This Lovely Little Historic Forest In Northern Wales Which Many People Are Deeply Attached To!))) So Very Scenic!))) So Very Hard For Fire Crews To Reach!)))

**Jude Perry:** Bitch you SPOIL me. I’m in Liverpool that’s not too far

**Jude Perry:** Text me the address in a bit I’m gonna get a new phone and a car

**Nikola:** Absolutely! You Are The Light Of My Life Jude!)))))

**Nikola:** Metaphorically Of Course!

* * *

**12:03 PM**

**Nikola:** Jude!

**Nikola:** Darling! 

**Nikola:** Dearest!

**Nikola:** Where Are You? I Have Been Looking For An Hour!

**Jude Perry:** With your archivist

**Nikola:** Jude!!(( Don’t Mark Him Up Any More! I Need His Skin!

**Jude Perry:** I’m not!

**Jude Perry:** Nikola he looks like a sad wet rat

**Nikola:** He’s Fine He’s Just Whiny! He Gets To Shower Later! Honestly This Whole Thing Isn’t Even Traumatizing To Him Anymore! You Should See How Often He Rolls His Eyes At Me! He’s Very Rude!

**Jude Perry:** He’s also chewing through his gag

**Nikola:** He Does That! It’s Fine!

**Nikola:** What Are You Doing With Him?

**Jude Perry:** Introducing him to music

**Nikola:** Hot Girl Summer?

**Jude Perry:** Yes

**Jude Perry:** Nothing but for the last hour

**Jude Perry:** Figure I’ll stop when he gets through the gag

**Nikola:** I See!

**Nikola:** Can I Come Listen?

**Jude Perry:** Everyone’s welcome to listen to Megan Thee Stallion 

**Nikola:** Wonderful! Be Right There!)))

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hot girl summer exchange based off of [this post i made](https://themlet.tumblr.com/post/189755622228/he-does-end-up-genuinely-liking-the-song-which-he)  
> also big thanks to frecwolf on tumblr for inspiring Jude Perrys plumber jokes youre the best evejdgejsv  
> jon does not listen to music but he ends up REALLY actually liking hot girl summer so it's literally the only song saved on his phone so when martin pulls his phone out on their road trip to scotland its like.  
> martin: hey. hey jon?  
> jon: yes  
> martin: why is this the only song on your phone  
> jon: it's the only song ever, martin  
> martin: i. i see  
> jon: also jude perry.
> 
> find me on tumblr at [themlet](https://themlet.tumblr.com)


	16. golden boy - how do you like my swimming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oliver banks joins the chat!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im an oliver banks apologist. please give him some love. i think he and gerry should date. 
> 
> also theres some mentions of cults in here.

**4:22 PM**

**Oliver:** okay, thank you. that all makes sense.

 **Oliver:** super normal and cool stuff i’m learning about. nothing cult-like about this at all.

 **🕸:** omg dkjfjklsd

 **Mike:** technically the only cults are jude’s group and the peoples church. tbh youd think we’d have more by now

 **Jude Perry:** Watch it, Mike

 **Mike:** oh my god listen it’s literally called the *cult* of the lightless flame don’t threaten me for saying the NAME of your group!!

 **Nikola:** Is The Institute Not A Cult? The Institute Is Totally A Cult!

 **Elias:** The Magnus Institute is not a cult.

 **Nikola:** You Sacrifice People And Everything!

 **Jude Perry:** I mean. It’d be the worlds most boring cult but... Probably?

 **Elias:** We don’t sacrifice people, good Lord. What are you talking about?

 **Nikola:** Your Little Archive Folks?

 **🕸:** you have a latin motto and everything elias youre totally a cult its just the blandest cult in the world

 **Elias:** 1) They aren’t sacrifices, don’t be crass, Nikola. That wording is so inconsiderate. They’re simply hardworking employees who happen to require replacement more often than is considered typical. 2) I’m beginning to think that none of you actually know what a cult is.

 **Oliver:** i don’t know, i got very cultish vibes when i gave my statement. the cult of boorish bureaucratic mundanity with a side of fear food factory.

 **Nikola:** LMFAO!

 **🕸:** omg

 **🕸:** oliver is my new best friend

 **Oliver:** really not sure if i should be flattered or scared by that?

 **Jude Perry:** Scared

 **Nikola:** Scared!

 **Mike:** scared

 **Elias:** Scared.

 **Oliver:** cool.

 **🕸:** no, be flattered.

 **Oliver:** since you’re, like, an evil spider woman, i’m definitely going to go scared on this one, but i’m glad you think i’m funny, thank you.

 **Nikola:** How The Fuck Did You Do That?

 **Oliver:** do what?

 **Nikola:** She Just Compelled You?

 **Oliver:** did she?

 **Jude Perry:** Oh my fucking god

 **Jude Perry:** Can you not be compelled?

 **Oliver:** i suppose not?

 **Mike:** holy shit. holy shit.

 **Oliver:** is that not common? not being… compelled?

 **Jude Perry:** NOT COMMON?

 **Mike:** annabelle once had me electrocute myself *multiple times* because i said ballet dancers werent athletes.

 **🕸:** ballerinas are athletes and artists and we could kick your head in without breaking a sweat, michael.

 **Mike:** I KNOW THAT *NOW*!

 **Oliver:** huh. i wonder why that is.

 **Nikola:** As Do We All!!!

 **Elias:** Would you care to enlighten us as to how you did that, Oliver?

 **Jude Perry:** Ugh. How do you make asking questions so slimy

 **Oliver:** i don’t know, maybe because i’m dead?

 **Jude Perry:** I am also very much dead

 **Nikola:** I am Made Of Plastic!

 **Jude Perry:** I set myself on fire and now I’m all wax. Try again

 **Oliver:** i mean, i had a satellite fall on me. maybe it has to do with… i don’t know, actually. perhaps nobody can make death do anything.

 **Mike:** oh jesus. howd you swing that??

 **Nikola:** I Feel Like We Would Have Seen That On The News?

 **Jude Perry:** You watch the news?

 **Nikola:** You Don’t?

 **Nikola:** Jude! Be A Conscientious Citizen! You Should Know What’s Happening In Your Country! Do You Even Vote?

 **Mike:** nikola, you’re a russian mannequin/clown, you’re literally not a citizen. you dont vote.

 **Jude Perry:** What’s happening in my country is that i’m setting it on fire.

 **Oliver:** it was at point nemo - furthest point from all land and people, middle of the ocean, etc. etc., - and quite a bit ago, it took me a while to get back here. the ship basically vanished, you might just not remember it.

 **Mike:** how did you get there??

 **Oliver:** identity fraud. 

**Oliver:** i pretended to be a chemist - thank you dr. thomas pritchard - and got on the ship so i could take a nap. wasn’t my finest moment, or my smartest one, but to be fair to myself i was rather sleep deprived. wasn’t thinking straight.

 **Jude Perry:** I mean, did you? Nap?

 **Oliver:** oh yeah, loads.

 **Jude Perry:** Seems like it worked then.

 **Elias:** Point Nemo is 2,700km away from the nearest landmass. How did you get back?

 **Oliver:** i swam.

 **Elias:** You… swam.

 **Oliver:** yes? what was i supposed to do, walk? i’m not jesus.

 **🕸:** oliver i’m going to PUKE i’m laughing so hard

 **Mike:** you just SWAM for 2700 km 

**Mike:** did you do it all in one shot??

 **Oliver:** no. i mean, i took naps, once i figured out how to float. and i had to learn how to swim first so the first few hours were pretty chaotic. 

**Mike:** YOU DIDNT KNOW HOW TO SWIM

 **Oliver:** and i did get picked up by a boat.

 **🕸:** [is this you oliver](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wDTJSSEDtXY)

 **Oliver:** okay, that’s pretty rude, but not inaccurate.

 **Mike:** annabelle i am hollering

 **Jude Perry:** You got picked up by a boat

 **Jude Perry:** I’m fucking shaking. Did you show up on radar? Just one big fuck ugly fish?

 **Mike:** im imagining myself on a boat looking out at the ocean and just seeing a fucking *guy* swimming by no land for thousands of km just a dude doggy paddling fucking vibing. absolutely brilliant 

**Oliver:** no, it was a fishing boat. I got caught in one of their huge nets.

 **Oliver:** they were, understandably, pretty confused.

 **Jude Perry:** LIKE PULLING A FUCKING MERMAID FROM THE SEA

 **Jude Perry:** I’m hanging out with Nikola i want you to know that she can’t type she’s on the floor howling

 **🕸:** did you even see the net. oliver did you see the net. or did you try to swim through it like a fish

 **Oliver:** listen, you try sleeping in the middle of the ocean. i was so tired. i just hooked my arms over the top and fell asleep like that, and when it started moving i figured it’d be a free ride to shore. it smelled awful. they almost threw me back in because i fell asleep in the net as it was being pulled in and they thought i was a corpse, which, well, they weren't wrong, but i was pretty tired of swimming at that point, so i'm glad they didn't. it was pretty crazy.

 **Nikola:** I So Badly Wish I Had Eyes So That I Could Cry Tears Of Joy About This!

 **Nikola:** Elias Can I Borrow Some Of Yours?

 **Elias:** No.

 **🕸:** oh cmon elias sharing is caring i know you keep extras

 **Elias:** What?

🕸: you do! don’t front theyre in your pantry

 **Mike:** what the fuck

 **🕸:** yeah they’re like, the og elias and james wrights and stuff. its pretty gnarly he’s just got them in jars and shit

 **Elias:** Annabelle, why were you going through my pantry?

 **🕸:** i was in your flat and hungry. your kitchen is full of weird rich white people things i just wanted a snack. i get that being old makes your body shit out on you and you can’t have, like, takis, but seriously? not even a bag of crisps? insanity

 **Elias:** Why were you in my flat?

 **🕸:** idk, why werent you?

 **Elias:** Presumably because I have a job?

 **🕸:** yeah speaking of i think it says a lot about your character that you have like, a job, and havent just fucked off to the countryside to be rich and evil in a mansion like the lukas’ and the fairchilds i know you have money you behold the stock market you could do it 

**Elias:** I have a penthouse in Chelsea, I think that’s mansion enough. 

**Mike:** how many sets of eyes does he have? Like 4? 5?

 **🕸:** yeah about

 **Nikola:** That’s Enough To Juggle!

 **🕸:** but it isn’t even like a cool job! like you do BUDGETING! you CHOOSE to have a management job because youre a control freak! its disgusting. youre like a web wannabe and i hate it. you just have a fetish for microsoft excel

 **Elias:** For the last time, I do not have a fetish for microsoft excel. Please stop saying that and please do not break into my apartment.

 **🕸:** i think you mean MY apartment

 **🕸:** whats yours is mine, elias

 **🕸:** everything is mine

 **🕸:** i could go up to the queen right now and be like hey give me the crown and it’d be my crown. i could go and like, just get the imperial state crown rn

 **Jude Perry:** Why don’t you?

 **🕸:** too gaudy

 **🕸:** it wouldnt match my new balances at all, or any of my outfits. i dont wear enough purple to justify it

 **Oliver:** you wear new balances?

 **🕸:** yes. is there a problem? 

**Oliver:** not at all. 

**🕸:** didnt think so.

**New Private Chat - 5:54 PM**

**🕸:** okay so! turns out i cant DIRECTLY order you around. but! i can still definitely fiddle around with your brain and circumstances! so that’s fun! 

**Oliver:** oh my god is this you? are you why i’ve gotten lost twice and managed to run into every coworker and friend i’ve ever had on my walk home?

 **🕸:** yes! ::::)

 **Oliver:** please stop. i’m in hell.

 **🕸:** what, do you not like cynthia??? she seems so nice!

 **Oliver:** oh yes cynth is great but you know what’s not great? answering questions. oh hi oliver!! haven’t seen you in a while!!! what’s up with you???? oh you know, not much, i’m dead so that’s pretty bad, and i killed people so that’s also pretty bad, and i think i serve a malevolent fear entity of death, but that’s just capitalism, so pretty much same old same old. haha, how are you?

 **Oliver:** i’ve had to do so much on the spot lying. i’m in hell, annabelle.

 **🕸:** hey that rhymes

 **Oliver:** can i please go home?

 **🕸:** of course. hey wanna go get brunch with me tomorrow btw? i can actually explain all the group dynamics and stuff better in person

 **Oliver:** yeah, sure, why not. not like i have anything better to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you to sunny (divorcedmilfaddict on tumblr) for directly influencing many of the lines in this. you're hysterical
> 
> find me on tumblr at [themlet](https://themlet.tumblr.com). i also have a [twitter](https://twitter.com/wateroses) now.


	17. chat: hot ladies anonymous (property brothers roast)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shoutout to everyone who helped me name the chat on tumblr and to sunny for also helping to name the chat. they were all literally so fucking funny i couldnt pick one and made me throw out the one i came up with

**Chat: hot ladies anonymous / bad girls do it well / sexy bitches ONLY! / the world's biggest straps / hot girl summer / girls can have little a evil. as a treat. / girls just wanna have fear / legends only /(...)!**

**7:36 PM**

**Montauk:** Yo two questions. 1) why the hell is the chat name so fucking long what happened to strap city & titties? That one rocked

 **🕸:** oh hi julia!

 **🕸:** long time no see!

 **🕸:** you missed it. we had a fight about changing the name but all the suggestions were so good and the fight was so funny that i figured hey, why not all of the above?

 **Montauk:** Okay but i hate it

 **🕸:** too bad

 **Montauk:** Annabelle i have a shitty ass phone and the title alone makes it take 40 seconds to load a new message. Swiping off my home screen to open it makes it lag. I didnt even know smartphones could DO that

 **🕸:** UGH fine

**Chat name has been changed to: competent city!**

**Montauk:** We cant use that one Jude is in this chat

 **Jude Perry:** Hey eat shit Montauk

 **Montauk:** I’m going to peel you like a fucking fruit Perry

 **Jude Perry:** Try me.

 **🕸:** stop fighting.

**Chat name has been changed to: “Girls” by Marina and the Diamonds [BASS BOOSTED EDITION]!**

**Jude Perry:** Annabelle that one sucks

 **Montauk:** I dont like that either

 **🕸:** on god you will both die by my hands

**Chat name has been changed to: women b shoplifting!**

**Montauk:** Okay thats fair i guess

 **Helen:** We certainly do be shoplifting!

 **Montauk:** Wait who the hell are you 

**Montauk:** I was gone three weeks what is happening do we have a new avatar 

**Helen:** Oh, no, I’m Michael’s replacement! I put Michael in time out. It got bratty and irrational and was giving us/itself/me/the hallways a bad name, so now it’s being… digested. Anyways, I’m the distortion now. Good to meet you!

 **🕸:** helen said time out for you and then put michael in whatever the spiral equivalent of a food processor is

 **Jude Perry:** It’s just her hands in a garbage bin as she wiggles her fingers

 **Helen:** HA!

 **🕸:** the spiral (thunderdome edition)

 **Montauk:** My second question: is Nikola online

 **Nikola:** I Can Be!

 **Montauk:** Right. So, i hate you all, as you all know, and if it werent for the fact that i’m over in the states thered be nothing stopping me from hunting you down and ripping your limbs off to beat you to death with, you disgust me, you’re abominations, it pains me deeply to talk to you and ask you questions, etc etc. 

**🕸:** oh yes of course

 **Nikola:** As Per Usual!

 **Jude Perry:** We remember yeah

 **Helen:** Understandable!

 **Nikola:** Shame You’re Off Partying With The Yanks! A Little Hunt Could Be Fun!)

 **Montauk:** Right?

 **Montauk:** So i’m watching HGTV with Trevor and hes got a question for you Nikola

 **Nikola:** Shoot!

 **Jude Perry:** Why the fuck are you watching hgtv holy shit. Thinking about buying a retirement home for your adopted father? Gonna play house or some shit?

 **Helen:** If it’s about real estate I might be more able to help!

 **Montauk:** Shut your fucking mouth Perry

 **Jude Perry:** Make me

 **Montauk:** It’s not about real estate okay? Quiet

 **Montauk:** Listen. Are the property brothers avatars of the stranger

 **🕸:** what. 

**🕸:** not even house hunters?

 **Montauk:** Look i got trevor to splurge on a motel room for once in our lives so were going to take the chance to watch bad tv! It’s the only thing on in this crap ass place that isnt sesame street! Stop judging me all of you!

 **Montauk:** These motherfuckers look like demons

 **Montauk:** [IMG_1]

 **🕸:** LMFAO YEAH THEY DO

 **Nikola:** LMAOO!

 **🕸:** they look like wax!!

 **🕸:** they look robotic! oh my god im looking at more pics and they make the exact same face in every one thats just not right!!!!!!

 **Helen:** I feel like if I were to poke their faces the flesh would spring back but not all the way.

 **Helen:** Like a perfectly-proofed loaf of bread.

 **Helen:** No bones in there! 

**🕸:** this is actually freaking me out whyyy do they look like that

 **Montauk:** Trevor says they look like if the desolation and the stranger fucked

 **Jude Perry:** I mean Nikola and I do frequently

 **Montauk:** Did not need to fucking know.

 **Montauk:** Are they or arent they

 **🕸:** no theyre mother of puppets

 **Montauk:** Fuck. Really?

 **🕸:** oh yeah the web is all over them

 **Jude Perry:** No they’re Desolation 100% 

**Nikola:** No, They’re The Stranger!

 **Helen:** You’re all wrong. They’re Spiral.

 **Montauk:** Well you cant all claim them

 **Montauk:** State your cases Trevor and I will decide

 **🕸:** they manipulate these people into spending money that they didnt have/want to spend on a house they arent happy with and has more problems than they wanted to deal with WHAT is more web than that!! nothing.

 **Jude Perry:** No they dont that show is massively overproduced those people want to renovate and just have to act like they dont its all fake 

**🕸:** jude. 

**🕸:** why do you feel the need to try to poke holes in what i say

 **Jude Perry:** Sorry please don’t kill me

 **🕸:** dont make me

 **Montauk:** Jude why desolation keep on it I’m getting bored

 **Jude Perry:** Idk just look at them they’re made of wax

 **Nikola:** The Stranger Does Wax Too Jude!! Look At Them! Look At Their Disturbingly Similar Smiles! How They Look The Exact Same In Every Photo! The Stock Photo Quality Of Their Expensive Veneers, Too Perfect For Humanity! They Are So Deeply Uncanny Valley!

 **Helen:** But, there’s nothing more Spiral than real estate. Open houses... 

**Helen:** You have been in this house for what feels like days. You look. It has been barely 3 hours. You have opened the same doors hundreds of times, but you barely remember what is behind them. You say the exact same greeting to everyone who walks in. Rote. Mechanical. Everyone has begun to look the same. You think you recognize a couple coming back to revisit, and greet them as such. They have never been here before. You lead them through the house. You open the doors. You answer the same questions. They leave. You look at the clock. 3.5 hours. You repeat. When your day is over, what feels like a week later, you go home. Take off your heels. Repeat the next day at a different house. Rinse. Repeat. Rinse. Repeat. You have started to show off your own house to friends like that. Rinse. Repeat. You have opened so many doors.

 **🕸:** wow

 **🕸:** real estate gothic

 **Helen:** It was better when the woman who Helen used to be started doing higher end houses. But the first drudgery… Spiral!

 **Jude Perry:** While that is existentially horrifying I do really doubt that the property men have ever done any actual real estate work

 **Helen:** Oh, probably not!

 **Montauk:** Yeah I think Nikola wins this one

 **Nikola:** Oh Wonderful! I Do Love Winning!))

 **Montauk:** Also I think these houses would be insanely easy to find and burglarize. Just saying. Got their whole floorplan and general location on the damn tv. Asking for it at this point

 **🕸:** guys.

 **🕸:** people find these men attractive.

 **Jude Perry:** WHAT

 **🕸:** enough to make. videos of them. like slideshows. where romantic music plays in the background and clipart words like “yummy” and “so attractive” scroll along onscreen

 **Jude Perry:** WHAT.

 **🕸:** oh my god they also sing. 

**Nikola:** No!

 **Montauk:** No… no I dont want that to be happening actually

 **🕸:** hey who wants to watch these with me? just kidding!!! its about to be all of you

 **Montauk:** Jesus fuck no

**Montauk has left women b shoplifting!**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just gonna.. plug here: remember that time travel AU i mentioned back in the notes of ch 14? well, [the first chapter is officially live!](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22592680) i'm kinda proud of it tbh? if you haven't read it yet and time travel, the web #winning, and overwhelming jonmartin tenderness mixed with horror and humor interests you, it'd really mean a Lot to me if you checked it out! ([sunny](https://divorcedmilfaddict.tumblr.com/) is also my kickass beta for it, sunny i love you.)
> 
> anyways, thank you for reading, youre all the absolute best, sorry for not doing helens phone glitch thing i just didn't feel like it, and sorry also to the property brothers for this but also not really. why do they look like that. seriously. look them up.


	18. Yours greasily,

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> set in s1 sometime after ep 24.

**From:** [j.sims@tmi.org](mailto:j.sims@mag.org)

**To:** [t.stoker@tmi.org](mailto:t.stoker@tmi.org), [m.blackwood@tmi.org](mailto:m.blackwood@tmi.org)

**Subject:** work

Hello very imdortant to read and reply . i think i have discorvered a breakthrough in cases i cant know the numbers but with the bag of teeths and the boneturner. All the bones are connected. The bones. They’re connected. The teeth bag from the teeth bag case is from mr. bone turner. He stole the bones and now He steals teeth. The oral surgen tried to keep my teeth so obviously he is the bone turner and this is a new buisness of his that cannot beallowed to continue.

I need you all to do something about this! Sasha you got access tot he police reccords for the teeth bag can you do it again you are the absolute best empliyee and your work is invalubale but it IS pronounced calliope and you are wrong still. They tried to take my teeth from me but i told them if they stole my teeth id vomit on them its not a biohasard if i wash them off. I have my teeth.

Thank youall so very much i amgoing to lie down now. Thank you

Yours greasily,

jon

Jonathan Sims

Head Archivist of the Magnus Institute

Chelsea, London, United Kingdom

**From:** [t.stoker@tmi.org](mailto:t.stoker@tmi.org)

**To:** [j.sims@tmi.org](mailto:j.sims@tmi.org)

**Subject:** Re:work

Boss. I say this with all possible respect. What the hell.

Sent from my iPhone

**From:** [m.blackwood@tmi.org](mailto:m.blackwood@tmi.org)

**To:** [j.sims@tmi.edu](mailto:j.sims@tmi.edu)

**Subject:** Re:work

Hi Jon,

Are you okay? I’m sorry but I really don’t understand what you’re asking me to do here, your email is… a little incomprehensible, which is really concerning! Are you sick? Do you need anything? Please let me know, okay?

(Also… yours greasily? What?) 

Yours,

Martin K. Blackwood

Archival Assistant at the Magnus Institute

**From:** [j.sims@tmi.org](mailto:j.sims@mag.org)

**To:** [t.stoker@tmi.org](mailto:t.stoker@tmi.org)

**Subject:** Re:work

Tim,

I am so sorry for this email. I got my wisdom teeth out on Friday; I’m not entirely sure what I was talking about now. I’m just glad I forgot to actually add Sasha to this, I spared a little of my dignity. This won’t happen again. I hope you’re having a good weekend, I’ll see you Monday.

Jonathan Sims

Head Archivist of the Magnus Institute

Chelsea, London, United Kingdom

**From:** [j.sims@tmi.org](mailto:j.sims@mag.org)

**To:** [m.blackwood@tmi.org](mailto:m.blackwood@tmi.org)

**Subject:** Re:work

Martin:

No need to be concerned, I got my wisdom teeth removed on Friday and was a bit out of sorts. I am just fine now, thank you. I think I meant to say gratefully, there, but please just disregard that whole email. 

Jonathan Sims

Head Archivist of the Magnus Institute

Chelsea, London, United Kingdom

**From:** [t.stoker@tmi.org](mailto:t.stoker@tmi.org)

**To:** [j.sims@tmi.org](mailto:j.sims@tmi.org)

**Subject:** Re:work

Oh no Jon no need to worry about that! :) I’m a good employee and friend, so I forwarded it to her IMMEDIATELY to make sure nobody on staff missed any important memos from management, especially one so obviously urgent! :) See you Monday! :)

Sent from my iPhone

**From:** [j.sims@tmi.org](mailto:j.sims@mag.org)

**To:** [t.stoker@tmi.org](mailto:t.stoker@tmi.org)

**Subject:** Re:work

Tim, we aren’t friends anymore.

Jonathan Sims

Head Archivist of the Magnus Institute

Chelsea, London, United Kingdom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a dumb short one but it made me laugh. yours greasily is taken directly from [this post,](https://cowboybenoit.tumblr.com/post/190827317272/shitty-valentines-by-sebastian) which has Nothing to do with the magnus institute (nor do i think season 1 jon is in any way greasy) it just body slammed the idea into my head back around valentines day (adhd gives you Insane idea trees, somehow i got from THAT to Wisdom Tooth Emails), and i would be remiss if i didn't give credit to someone who inspired me, tsé?
> 
> thank you to the ret wat chat (specifically sunny and nathan) for helping me figure out jons conspiracy theory. i hope you all enjoyed!
> 
> [I’m on tumblr!](themlet.tumblr.com)


	19. skanky mike

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dont take this seriously bad dates are just funny to me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you to 1) my discord server for telling me about all the dating sins they have committed/were committed to them and also discussing their outbursts of short rage with me at length, 2) the art that ive found inspired by [avatar gc](https://themlet.tumblr.com/post/612857881408176128/montagne-russe-tma-doodles-2nd-one-is-based) and then the [elias gets bullied](https://themlet.tumblr.com/post/613148857774243840/ggracee-i-dont-know-what-this-is-music-video) series. [PLEASE for the love of god @ me on tumblr if you make art you want to share, i don't see it otherwise and i really do want to see it, it makes my WEEK!](themlet.tumblr.com)
> 
> in other news, scary fuckin world out there. stay safe, stay away from each other (physically), and try to make each other laugh, it's not real medicine but it is the only way we're going to get through this, so, i'm doing my part and hoping this brings you some small amount of joy. i love you all. the little following this fic has garnered means the absolute world to me, and i hold you all near and dear to my heart. be well, be kind, and be wonderful to each other <3 I love you!

**5:40 PM**

**Simon Fairchild:** Has anyone heard from sexy Mike recently? He’s not at his flat

 **🕸:** s… sexy mike?

 **Simon Fairchild:** Ah! Wrong chat, my apologies! I thought I had gone to the Fairchild family chat. Although, this does work: Oliver, is Mike dead?

 **🕸:** THAT STILL DOES NOT EXPLAIN SEXY MIKE?

 **Oliver:** sexy mike.

 **Simon Fairchild:** Michael Crew, yes. Did he die?

 **Oliver:** explain sexy mike and i’ll tell you.

 **Simon Fairchild:** It’s just a nickname, Oliver, Annabelle.

 **🕸:** mike is a nickname already. why is he sexy mike

 **Simon Fairchild:** We have two Mikes, we had to tell them apart somehow!

 **Jude Perry:** Do I want to know what you call the other Mike?

 **Simon Fairchild:** Regular Mike.

 **Jude Perry:** To his face? Do you say that to his face.

 **Simon Fairchild:** Well, we need to know when we’re calling one and not the other. Saying “no, not you, the other one” all the time would be such a hassle.

 **Nikola:** To His Face. I Would Like To Reiterate That You Call This Man “Regular Mike” To His Face.

 **Simon Fairchild:** Well, he’s not the sexy one.

 **🕸:** look listen i know we’re all phenomenally terrible people but like there’s a line? i think the line is verbally distinguishing two people with the same name by which one is sexy and which one isnt. like murder, cool, torture, cool, manipulation, live your truth, but directly telling someone theyre not the sexy mike i think is morally repugnant 

**Simon Fairchild:** We did think it over, there were a few other suggestions, this is just what stuck. Sexy Mike argued that he should be Mike and Regular Mike should be Ugly Mike, but this is what caught on. Sexy Mike still calls Regular Mike Ugly Mike, but Regular Mike calls Sexy Mike Skanky Mike, so I figure it all evens out. Oliver, did Sexy Mike die?

 **Oliver:** the vast gives me the crawling horrors. not the nihilism or the falling or any of that, i work for death i know nothing matters, just the people who work for it are morally horrifying. i know i say i don’t spoil, and i don’t, so don’t ask questions like this again, but if i don’t tell you there’s no way anyone is ever going to know, so yes, mike died.

 **Nikola:** I’m Really Caught On Sexy Mike! If You Put Me In A Room With A Dozen Nikola’s, Would I Be The Sexy Nikola? Can We All Just Start Ranking Ourselves Like That? I Want To Be Sexy Nikola!

 **Jude Perry:** Simon one of these days your polycule is going to get together and kill you

 **Simon Fairchild:** Oh no, they’ve tried already! Multiple times! They’re currently talking about it on discord, which is where I meant to send that message in the first place. Sexy Mike dying is fine, now they can’t try again until I bring them another Sexy Mike.

 **Nikola:** You Were Just Going To Interrupt Their Conversation About Killing You? Do They Know You’re Watching Them Talk About This?

 **Simon Fairchild:** I’m 500 years old, I don’t know how to use a phone! :-)

 **Nikola:** No One In My Cohort Would Ever Talk About Killing Me!!!

 **Jude Perry:** They wouldn’t? I kill other Desolation avatars all the time.

 **Nikola:** You Do?????

 **Jude Perry:** Oh yeah. Gotta get rid of the competition. Half of them are insufferable. We’re all just gunning for whoever’s in charge at the moment.

 **Nikola:** These Do Not Sound Like Sane, Sound, Or Sensical Ways To Run An Organization!!

 **Nikola:** How Do Any Of You Ever Get Anything Done!

 **Jude Perry:** Oh we don’t 

**🕸:** sorry about mike also, oliver

 **Oliver:** what? why?

 **🕸:** didnt you go on a date with him like 2 weeks ago? i keep forgetting to ask at brunch

 **Oliver:** yes i did. he’s insane.

 **Oliver:** *was. he was insane.

 **🕸:** ...do tell

 **Oliver:** it was the WORST DATE. I don’t just hook up, there has to be a date first so i know there’s chemistry and also that they’re not a serial killer (although, sort of moot in this case i suppose) and it was THE WORST.

 **Oliver:** i showed up a few minutes early and had to WAIT because he was LATE to the restaurant HE PICKED. he finally shows up and, well, this is me being gayly petty and i would not have minded it had the rest of the date had not gone the way it did, but i was dressed nicer than him, and that irks me. i know what i’m worth, and it’s more than a leather jacket that’s definitely too big for you. you’re rich! buy a jacket that fits! also, for someone who’s really picky about manners he has shockingly little of them! how and why is that?

 **🕸:** that’s just what happens when youre rich

 **Oliver:** he doesn’t hold the door for me and it almost shuts in my face. i don’t expect things like flowers or taking my coat off for me because i know this is a precursor to hooking up, but hold the door! hold the door! that’s just basic respect! do it for everyone! you know how many lectures i got from my dad about holding doors as a child? 

**Jude Perry:** I always hold the door for people. What the fuck is wrong with him? You don’t just not hold the door

 **Nikola:** Killing People Is Alright As Long As You Hold The Door For Them! Michael You Are Dead And Not Reading This But I Am Ashamed Of You! Disgraceful!

 **Oliver:** the whole date he does not ask me a single question. he talks about himself the entire time. and not GOOD things either, nothing interesting! just him being insane!

 **Oliver:** “oh yes i went looking for leitner’s books, multiple of them haha! my first killed both my parents but it wasn’t a problem!” cool my powers (that i did not ask for nor seek out) showed me my dad dying, and i still couldn’t save him. check please. 

**Oliver:** speaking of check. he picked the restaurant but still made me pay and the restaurant was awful. the food was not worth the amount of money i paid for it. i’ve had shitty chinese that gave me food poisoning that i enjoyed much more than the food i had there. granted i got a salad first and then realized absolutely nothing would get me to go home with him and got lobster sous vide because treat yourself, but salad should not be that expensive, okay? i know i’m bougie and like to burn my money on things that don’t matter, but there’s a line and that line is arugula.

 **🕸:** HE MADE YOU PAY i actually physically put my head in my hands. how much money do you give him a week again, simon?

 **Simon Fairchild:** A little under 7k.

 **Nikola:** 6,900

 **Jude Perry:** It’s 6900 isn’t it.

 **🕸:** it’s 6900

 **Jude Perry:** It’s 6900. Say it. Say it

 **Simon Fairchild:** £6,969 per week. That’s without any bonuses I decide to give out for things like, say, dealing with Regular Mike calling you Skanky Mike, funniest death of a victim, recruiting others, how much I liked you that week, etc.

 **Jude Perry:** I don’t like you, Simon

 **Simon Fairchild:** I’m redistributing the wealth!

 **Oliver:** THAT IS NOT REDISTRIBUTING!

 **🕸:** 6900 A WEEK AND HE COULDNT PAY FOR YOU???

 **Simon Fairchild:** Everyone else gets £4,200 as a flat rate. I just like Sexy Mike best.

 **Oliver:** wow, i hate that! wait, actually, since he’s dead now and i can’t sue him for emotional damages, could i get that money? some of it?

 **Simon Fairchild:** I mean, are you willing to switch patrons?

 **Oliver:** no. i don’t think i physically can, but i wouldn’t even if i could. you are all so insane. i can’t have your energy in my life 24/7.

 **Simon Fairchild:** No, then!

 **🕸:** worth a shot oliver

 **Oliver:** oh well.

 **Oliver:** anyways, the waitress actually wrote “i’m sorry!!!! :(” on the check when she gave it to me. i don’t know what level of stank face i was at but it must’ve been something very serious. i had an eye twitch for the rest of the day. i wanted to “go to the bathroom” and leave but i figured he’d be the type to dine and dash so i couldn’t ethically do that to the waitstaff, although i think they were taking bets on if i would ditch or not.

 **Oliver:** another very petty thing: he definitely wears lifts. there’s no way he’s 5’2. that’s not what’s happening there, okay? i wear heels. i know what it looks like when someone wears lifts. don’t lie about your height! be up front about it! height doesn’t matter! if you’re 5’ you’re 5’, it’s fine!

 **Oliver:** i do like short guys - my one real long-term relationship was with a guy shorter than me! i love short men! however, they tend to be crazier more often than tall men and their crazy is worse, as evidenced by mike and elias and shockingly not so much simon, actually, although i do think you are clinically insane and should probably see a doctor about it, simon. it’s just a different kind of crazy than tall-crazy, and because you’re crazy, you have to be upfront about how the bad insanity is going to be. the short-crazy i’m talking about is disturbingly violent and completely unhinged. i need a WARNING. it’s like aposematic coloration! don’t try to put camouflage on over it! tall men just get mad that you are also actually rather tall (seriously, arthur, i’m 6’, I don’t need any help, and who is even named arthur anymore anyways, oh my god i can’t believe i “dated” him for three whole weeks, he wasn’t even attractive, i know i was living on 0 sleep and a entity-enforced mental breakdown but really there’s no excuse for my behavior) and don’t need them to reach things for you and don’t talk to you for 5 days while vague-tweeting about how no one appreciates them. like, i can handle that crazy. short-crazy is waiting to beat you to death with a rock because one time you thought it would be cute to use their shoulder as an armrest. short-crazy will key your car and also your face because they THOUGHT they heard you talking shit about them at a party even though you were literally just trying to set them up with somebody! short-crazy is SCARY, and i need a WARNING, so that i can PREPARE to DEAL WITH IT!

 **Oliver:** UGH.

 **Oliver:** sorry, that was a long text. i have a lot of feelings.

 **🕸:** tall men are less crazy because all too often they forget to develop a personality beyond putting “im 6’3 if that matters” in their tinder bio

 **Oliver:** annabelle, no one understands me like you do.

 **Oliver:** what is with short rage though? not just short men, i was friends with almost only women through my schooling career before uni, and once when we were all about 13 we went on a hike and this girl veronica kept walking in front of me and pulling branches back specifically so they’d smack me in the face. 

**🕸:** LMAO i used to do that!! kind of. id hang things so theyd hit tall people in the face. it was delightful

 **Oliver:** that explains so much about you, actually.

 **Simon Fairchild:** I’d have to say my less-crazy nature comes from my height actually being considered quite tall, back in my day and age!

 **Oliver:** what, really?

 **Elias:** No.

 **Simon Fairchild:** Yes! I was sexily tall for the 1500’s.

 **Elias:** No you were not.

 **🕸:** im googling it hold on

 **Simon Fairchild:** What would you know? You young things weren’t alive back then, you’d have no idea what the average height was.

 **Elias:** I am with the Beholding. I know everything.

 **Simon Fairchild:** Do you now. What does the Google say?

 **🕸:** the google search results im getting list the average height for men in the 1500s as 3’ and under wow simon you mustve been a giant 

**Elias:** No it wasn’t, you’re lying.

 **Oliver:** that’s what i’m getting from google too.

 **Simon Fairchild:** Same here!

 **Jude Perry:** And here

 **Nikola:** Here Too!)

 **Elias:** That’s not accurate. Show me your sources.

 **Simon Fairchild:** [IMG_1]

 **Elias:** You edited that screenshot.

 **Simon Fairchild:** I most certainly did not!

 **Elias:** You whited out the text and wrote over it. It’s literally in your handwriting.

 **Jude Perry:** Christ Elias he’s got an accessibility font on don’t be such an ableist twat. Not everyone’s with the eyesight god

 **Elias:** But it’s not what I’m getting from Google. See?

 **Elias:** [IMG_2]

 **🕸:** your phone must be glitching out elias that says 3’ to me :/ how long have you had it? you know you should replace it when your powers start getting to it

 **Elias:** It says 5’6! Simon has never been taller than 5’! And I’ve had this phone for less than a week, thanks!

 **Nikola:** It’s Always So Sad To Watch The Old Begin To Become Senile!((

 **Jude Perry:** I’m also seeing 3’ 

**🕸:** this website im looking at rn says 3’ elias

 **Elias:** It does not!

 **Elias:** Show me where it says that!

 **🕸:** [IMG_3]

 **Elias:** THAT’S A SCREENSHOT OF YOUR OWN MESSAGE.

 **🕸:** no its not its a website

 **Elias:** Oh really? What website then?

 **🕸:** wikipedia

 **Elias:** That is not Wikipedia. 

**🕸:** yes it is

 **Elias:** Wikipedia has a white background; it's a screenshot of your own message.

 **🕸:** no i have wikipedia darkmode on

 **Elias:** Wikipedia doesn't have a dark mode!

 **🕸:** yes it does

 **Simon Fairchild:** Yes it does.

 **Jude Perry:** They just don't let people who edit wikapedia articles about themselves use it

 **Elias:** Simon is not tall. Simon has never BEEN tall. You know who used to be tall? Me! I was very tall! But the WEB has continued to stick her meddlesome little fingers in where she is not wanted and twitch me into progressively shorter vessels! I was tall! Simon has never been tall!

 **Nikola:** Someone’s Cranky Wikipedia Won’t Let Them Use Dark Mode, Hm?))

 **🕸:** hm.

 **Simon Fairchild:** Goodness, Elias, this isn’t going to be like the time in 1947 when you shot me in the leg again, is it?

 **Manlet:** I should have shot you in the head.

 **Manlet:** ANNABELLE.

 **🕸:** yes elias did you need something

 **Jude Perry:** AHAHA

 **Nikola:** LMFAOOO

 **Manlet:** Change it back.

 **🕸:** change what back?

 **Manlet:** My name.

 **🕸:** not until you admit that simon was tall 

**Manlet:** It’s not factually accurate! He was never tall!

 **Jude Perry:** Say it with me: Simon used to be tall as hell

 **Manlet:** He was not. You are lying about the screenshots and about thinking he was tall

 **Simon Fairchild:** How rude of you. These kind people have certainly never lied. What a cruel thing to accuse them of.

 **🕸:** simon was tall elias idk what to tell you

 **Manlet:** I am with the Ceaseless Watcher. I can tell you for a fact, right now, that I Know Simon has always been short!

 **🕸:** youre knowing incorrectly ig ¯\\_¯\\_¯\\_¯\\_(ツ)_/¯_/¯_/¯_/¯

 **Manlet:** I hate you all. I hate you all. I hate you.

 **🕸:** oliver why arent you talking. are you ignoring us? do we bore you? are you not entertained?

 **Oliver:** oh no i’m reading still. you all really just don’t seem to need my help.

 **Oliver:** it’s a bit like… not watching someone kick a puppy, as that would imply any kind of innocence or helplessness on elias’ part, as well as me caring about him, which i don’t. it’s more like… watching a group of kids at a park rip the legs off a cockroach. 

**🕸:** OLIVER 

**Jude Perry:** CHRIST

 **Nikola:** LMAOO

 **Oliver:** like, sure, maybe that’s not entirely right or fair to the thing, but i’m not their parent, it’s not my job to say hey, killing is wrong, and also it’s a cockroach. i don’t care about cockroaches. i can’t be arsed to deal with it.

 **Manlet:** Oliver, you are dead to me.

 **Oliver:** i’m dead to everybody.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> remember that chapter i did about the property brothers and how they're with the stranger? i was wrong. i was wrong about all of it. here's the truth: theyre the hunt. theyre hunting me down. they must have found out i made that chapter and was mean to them because now i am being stalked at every turn. first my family started watching them incessantly and then they started WORKING with my brother-in-law and then they sent my sister a personalized happy birthday video and now the only ads i get on adorablehome are for their iphone game and i am fearing for my life. they know i insulted them and they are trying to find me and make me pay for it. i have been running but i'm so tired. if you never hear from me again tell my friends i lo


	20. fashion police

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> holy shit an update? from ME? yeah. sorry ive been depressed. there's mentions of just like, sex as a concept in this chapter wrt losing ones "virginity", but it's not graphic or sexual in nature. theres no avatars in this one just the assistants having fun.
> 
> [also here is the outfit they are talking about in this, for reference.](https://youtu.be/8_Y_B6e0nXI) minus the wide open back and gaping arm holes because this is a workplace. i think jon should dress like a mix of chris fleming and whatever the hell that dark academia stuff yall keep talking about is.

**Chat: Jamboree Mango Hateclub**

**Sasha:** Am I stupid? Did I miss the memo and is today casual Friday? I swear I’ve been checking my emails.

 **Tim:** Its thursday so no

 **Sasha:** Ok. :thumbsup:

 **Sasha:** Jon’s just in bright orange pants on a lark then!

 **Martin:** what

 **Sasha:** Oh and a bright orange shirt!

 **Sasha:** Am I dreaming?

 **Martin:** orange???

 **Sasha:** Come in on time and you can see for yourself

 **Tim:** Martin blackwood everybody, late for his shift while living in the building!

 **Martin:** im LITERALLY putting trousers on i will be RIGHT there

 **Tim:** Cutting it a tad close mate

 **Martin:** its not even 15 till 8!!

 **Martin:** where are YOU tim

 **Tim:** I’ll be there jesus I’m timely!! when have i ever been late. after sasha’s birthday doesnt count dont even mention it i didnt know wine tasting would knock me dead for 3 days straight

 **Sasha:** It does too count! That was YOUR mistake! You’re supposed to spit the wine out!

 **Tim:** THAT is WASTEFUL i do not waste my alcohol i drink it like a man. 

**Sasha:** I would hope that the wine you were pretending to listen to would have told you to stop drinking it at some point.

 **Tim:** No it told me I was hysterical and sexy and pulling one over on stupid rich people. Put it to your ear mr franklin do you hear the oak notes?

 **Sasha:** Were you hysterical and sexy when you cried into your toilet at six in the afternoon?

 **Tim:** I dont havr to take this abuse woman

 **Martin:** you both are so much all the time.

 **Martin:** omw

 **Martin:** oh my god

 **Sasha:** Martin your face.

 **Sasha:** It’s brilliant.

 **Martin:** did i miss my chance to call in sick

 **Tim:** Yes

 **Sasha:** Yes.

 **Tim:** what is it open to his navel or something whats the big fit over some orange

 **Sasha:** Tim.

 **Sasha:** It’s a LOT of orange.

 **Tim:** Heading down now

 **Tim:** That is a lot of orange.

 **Sasha:** It’s… it’s too much orange

 **Tim:** Its too much orange yeah.

 **Martin:** i. he

 **Sasha:** Are you broken?

 **Martin:** yes

 **Tim** : Poor martin

 **Sasha:** The black blazer is nice

 **Sasha:** I don't understand his fashion sense! His outfit was so nice yesterday. I loved the skirt and now he looks like... It's so much orange. THEY’RE NOT EVEN THE SAME SHADE OF ORANGE. IT’S TWO NEARLY IDENTICAL ORANGES THAT ARE JUST OFF ENOUGH TO BE NOTICEABLE. It’s going to make me insane. It is not Halloween! This is not SEASONAL! 

**Tim:** The skirt was very cute I loved the buttons

 **Martin:** did you see his stockings? they had constellations on them i nearly wept

 **Sasha:** Oh my god his boots are blue?? I WANT THOSE. I need blue boots NOW.

 **Martin:** yeah... they have silver stars on them...

 **Sasha:** I want those. If I cant have his job I’m sure as fuck going to have his boots.

 **Tim:** Okay heres the plan. I’ll hit jon over the head with a fire extinguisher and while he’s out we steal the boots. Perfect crime.

 **Martin:** oh my god

 **Martin:** can we not talk about trying to kill our boss? I like my job

 **Sasha:** Narc.

 **Tim:** You sleep in document storage because a worm lady wanted to eat you.

 **Martin:** ... i like to have money.

 **Tim:** Fine ill blast him with the extinguisher and in the fog martin will roll his chair into his knees to sit him down and then sasha you steal the boots. I’ll keep spraying so hes blinded and we can all make a clean getaway and if anybody asks we saw a worm on the floor

 **Sasha:** Tim. What is this? Ocean’s 11?

 **Sasha:** I can just ask where he got them.

 **Tim:** Okay be boring see if i care. Nobody appreciates the fun i try to add to our lives

**2:17 PM**

**Sasha:** Martin, JSYK: he took the blazer off and the shirt is, in fact, a sleeveless leotard.

 **Sasha:** Okay, so the speed at which you left the stacks was NOT subtle.

 **Tim:** Doing okay there martin

 **Martin:** fine

 **Sasha:** You seem as though you may be dying.

 **Martin:** im not.

 **Tim:** He looks like an emaciated tangerine

 **Martin:** TIM!!!

 **Sasha:** Tim, Martin would rip off all your fingers with his bare hands for a chance to do so much as GLANCE at Jon’s hipslip. Shut up before you get yourself killed.

 **Tim:** i dont think ripping my fingers off would kill me

 **Sasha:** Are you gonna learn how to write with your toes then? Is that what you're going to do?

 **Tim:** No!!

 **Sasha:** Okay toewriter.

 **Martin:** you are both so mean!! what have i ever done to you!!! 

**Sasha:** This is a sweaterboy oppression zone, Martin. There is no yearning allowed.

**Tim has renamed the chat: PINING FREE ZONE!!!!**

**Martin:** both of you two leave then

 **Sasha:** What?

 **Martin:** i’m allowed to look! I’m allowed! looking is fine i’m not hurting anyone by looking. thinking is not a crime i just think he looks cute

 **Sasha:** you are indeed allowed to look.

 **Martin:** thank you.

 **Sasha:** He looks like an orange with mange.

 **Martin:** SASHA!!!

 **Sasha:** Tim, if you laugh like that again he’s going to come out and ask what's going on and I WILL make you explain.

**Martin has renamed the chat: Martin Hate Chat :(**

**Tim:** Sorry ill be sure find you less funny in the future

 **Tim:** A traffic cone with the rickets

 **Sasha:** A carrot with consumption.

 **Martin:** both of you stop it!!! he looks beautiful!!!

 **Sasha:** This is why elias put all us nasty transgenders down in the basement. He didn't want to look at our fashion choices anymore.

 **Sasha:** I’m gonna tell him he needs to pull his trousers up since neither of you will.

 **Martin:** IM SORRY please i cant even make eye contact with him this isnt my fault

 **Martin:** also we all look fine!!

**Tim has renamed the chat: Transsexual Containment Facility**

**Sasha:** My style never evolved from 2013 Pinterest, Jon is… Jon, and you look like Toad from Frog and Toad are Friends.

 **Martin:** what???

 **Sasha:** [IMG_1]

 **Sasha:** Plus some skirts and dresses. I do not mean to accuse you of being cottagecore masc4masc.

 **Martin:** well.

 **Martin:** mean. but fair

 **Martin:** what about tim?

 **Sasha:** Tim’s fine

 **Tim:** Fuck yeah

 **Tim:** What is 2013 pinterest

 **Sasha:** Closeted horse girl with a caffeine addiction meets year 8 white but still pretty cool literature teacher who looooves yoga.

 **Martin:** ...thats shockingly specific and terrifyingly accurate

 **Tim:** Are you?

 **Sasha:** A caffeine addict? 

**Martin:** obviously i mean look at her

 **Sasha:** Or a yoga lover.

 **Tim:** No

 **Tim:** A closeted horse girl

 **Tim:** I already know your coffee problem i’ve been in your car

 **Sasha:** Don’t bring up my empty cup collection. I swear I’m going to clean it out.

 **Tim:** And if you do yoga i’ll eat my hat

 **Tim:** You stand up and your back sounds like someones lit a firecracker 

**Tim:** Are you a closeted horsegirl

 **Tim:** This is a safe space sasha

 **Tim:** You can tell us 

**Tim:** We would never judge you

 **Sasha:** I’m not a closeted anything.

 **Tim:** Ok but WERE you a horse girl

 **Sasha:** No.

 **Sasha:** Dolphin girl.

 **Sasha:** The last time I ever talked to my mum she asked me if “allowing me” to be obsessed with dolphins as a child made me transgender.

 **Tim:** One of their many talents

 **Martin:** alongside sleeping with half their brains and murdering porpoises for sport dolphins also have the ability to trans your gender

 **Sasha:** They also have loads of gay sex.

 **Tim:** Okay thats not a talent anyone can do that

 **Martin:** can they? :(

 **Sasha:** HAHA

 **Tim:** YOU COULD HAVE GAY SEX IF YOU STOPPED DATING JACKASSES!!! MARTIN!!

 **Martin:** I KNOW!! IT WAS A JOKE!! i can hear you sighing from document storage jesus christ

 **Tim:** Martin mate. Youre great. Good friend. 

**Tim:** And i love jon he’s a great guy

 **Tim:** Shit boss

 **Sasha:** Absolutely shit boss.

 **Tim:** Should not have been put in a managerial position

 **Tim:** But a great guy

 **Sasha:** Great guy!

 **Tim:** But i have to be honest. Why. Of all people.

 **Tim:** He's a looker sure but martin!

 **Sasha:** He can be such an asshole!! 

**Sasha:** And he is NOT nice to you. 

**Tim:** ^^

 **Martin:** i mean he’s fine. Definitely not the worst person i’ve been into. at least he’s not cis

 **Tim:** Get better standards

 **Martin:** tim i lost my virginity in the back of my second boyfriend’s mom’s honda civic. It was over in less than 2 minutes and i know this because he didn’t last through even half of evanescence’s my immortal, which was playing on the radio. i promise you jon is just fine. there is nowhere for me to go but up.

 **Sasha:** My Immortal.

 **Tim:** Martin. You could have done so much better.

 **Martin:** yeah but i didnt

 **Tim:** I think you broke sasha she has her head on her desk

 **Sasha:** These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real. There's just too much that time cannot erase...

 **Martin:** oh lord stop

 **Martin:** in retrospect that experience 100% kept me from having an emo phase because I genuinely cannot listen to that song still without having flashbacks like i was charging up the beach at normandy

 **Sasha:** Okay Evanescence is not emo that’s gothic rock. I know they sound similar to people who don't listen to a lot of the genre, but they are quite different.

 **Tim:** Sasha 

**Sasha:** Tim.

 **Tim:** were you perhaps. Goth

 **Sasha:** I

 **Sasha:** You know. When you are young you make a lot of mistakes. And I may or may not have hung out with a few people who may or may not have ascribed themselves to certain subcultures that may or may not have allegedly had gothic roots and leanings if someone were to decide to examine them closely. It was all a very long time ago and my memory is foggy so I do not have any more details and certainly would not remember how or where to find any pictures.

 **Sasha:** That may or may not exist.

 **Sasha:** Because this phase may or may not have actually happened.

 **Martin:** is there a statement in there or is it all just weasel words

 **Tim:** What could unfog your memory. I need to see your myspace page.

 **Sasha:** The fog may or may not clear up with the application of paper that we have assigned monetary value to. Also the phase - if it did happen - would have happened before Myspace. Because I am old.

 **Martin:** you are not old! We’re the same age!

 **Sasha:** Are we? :thinking:

 **Martin:** im afflicted with transmasc babyface okay??? its a serious condition

 **Tim:** Whatever goth girl where did you lose your v card

 **Sasha:** in a skatepark behind a ramp at 12 am to an emo skater boy

 **Tim:** WHAT

 **Tim:** BOTH OF YOU!!!!!! What is WRONG with you lot you are so hot!!!! You could have done so much better!!!

 **Sasha:** I didn't have tits back then.

 **Tim:** Sasha, with or without your chest you are beautiful 

**Sasha:** The tits help.

 **Martin:** he. he was a skaterboy

 **Tim:** SHE SAID SEE YOU LATER BOY

 **Martin:** HE WASNT GOOD ENOUGH FOR HER

 **Sasha:** The sacred texts!

 **Tim:** such a headbangable sonh

 **Sasha:** Literally what would you know normie boy.

 **Martin:** what right do you you have to quote avril at us

 **Tim:** I can enjoy music!

 **Sasha:** No.

 **Martin:** not avril

 **Sasha:** You’re such a normie!!

 **Sasha:** I bet you lost it on rose petal covered sheets.

 **Tim:** I didnt!!!

 **Sasha:** You seriously considered it.

 **Tim:** I did seriously consider it.

 **Sasha:** It's not the same without getting your ass scraped up by concrete.

 **Martin:** or cracking your head off the car door

 **Sasha:** Suffer like a man.

 **Sasha:** Who with and where, come on Tim. You can’t ask and not share yourself.

 **Tim:** Third girlfriend- first long-term girlfriend- and in my room while my parents weren’t home. It was very sweet

 **Martin:** ugh of course it was

 **Tim:** I’m a romantic!!

 **Tim:** Sorry you guys didnt have fun the first time thats not fair :(

 **Martin:** thanks tim but its ok

 **Sasha:** Oh god don’t get emotional. Virginity is a social construct and doesn’t exist, etc, etc. We’re fine now in any case.

 **Sasha:** Or, i’m fine now. Martin’s into Jon, so.

 **Martin:** hey!!

 **Martin:** he’s sweet under there i know it! it’s not like i’m going to tell him. i can just be gay in peace, i dont have to do anything about it

 **Sasha:** And at least he’s not cis.

 **Tim:** At least there’s that

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> holy shit thanks for 20k hits, sorry again that this has taken so long to update, it is only a little because the property brothers tried to eat my skin. also its been 20 chapters of me chugalugin along but i am running out of ideas so if you have any concepts for conversations feel free to comment them and i might go for it. hope y'all are doing well, and be good to each other. love yall <3


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